Do we have to Fully Recover from Depression Before we Can Get Back out There?

Depression is a debilitating illness, and it is normal for someone suffering from depression to withdraw from life, doing little more than hiding and waiting. This is especially true during depression’s darkest phase.

This is what I wrote while in that phase:

What is this storm that rages within me?
Why won’t it abate, why won’t it subside?
It comes in like a storm, and devours me.
And it won’t go away. It’s near four months now.
Four months of doing nothing, just hiding, hiding, and waiting.

In my previous post I spoke about the foundation for my recovery that had been laid during those dark months. This included going onto anti-depressant medication to dull the pain, counselling from a Christian counsellor to help me to face and find the correct perspectives regarding the deep fears and traumas in my life. Many other things also played their role, such as physical exercise, pursuing hobbies and interests, and so on.

In July ’90, after eight months of despair and hopeless, I read “Self Help for Your Nerves” by Dr Claire Weeks. Everything changed after that, as hope returned to my life, I finally understood what was wrong with me, how I had gotten into such a state, and had a strategy for recovery.

In October ‘90 I went to see my counsellor again. Since reading “Self Help for Your Nerves” three months earlier, many of depression’s symptoms had gone, while most if not all others had reduced in severity and duration.

I was not better, though, not by a long shot – that would take another four years. At this stage I still felt uncomfortable or slightly disturbed most of the time, I was still suffering from fatigue to the extent that I needed a 45 minute rest every day when I got home from work, I still struggled with anxiety, had occasional panic attacks and heart palpitations, and felt pretty gross when I woke in the mornings.

However, in seeing how much I had improved compared to what I had been like earlier in the year, and noticing that a spring had returned to my step, my counsellor told me that her impression of me was that I was hiding behind Jesus like a small child hides behind his father’s legs, watching the world but too cautious or scared to get out there and experience it.

She told me that although I was still suffering from plenty of depression’s symptoms, she said that I was better enough to stop getting counselling and to get back out there.

Had she said this earlier, I would have been terrified, but as she gave me this advice, I knew she was right. I felt the Lord confirming that it was time for me to stop hiding and waiting and get back into life.

It took four more years for me to recover from depression, but I spent those four years living an almost normal life. I accepted the remaining symptoms of depression as being part of my life, and was content to let them be there like background music to my day, and got on with living.

After that final meeting with my counsellor I joined a new home fellowship group and became the group’s pianist. I joined all the social activities this group ran such as jazz and badminton nights – all things I could not have done even a few months previously. A few months later I started teaching Sunday school again. I asked if I could be a helper, but the organiser laughed (he had more confidence in me than I did) and put me in charge of an entire class, a responsibility I was able to handle with ease.

Everyone recovers from depression at their own rate, there is no formula. But it is encouraging to know that we do not have to wait until we have completely recovered before we can get back out there and enjoy life again.

And the good news is that we do not have to do this by our own strength. Jesus is there, ready to help and empower us with His divine strength.

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

I love the way the Amplified Bible says this:

I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]. Philippians 4:13 (AMP)

“Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:4-5

But he [Jesus] said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Depression: on the Road to Recovery

I languished in a bleak, miry pit of severe depression for eight months, from Dec '89 to July '90. However, during that time many seeds for my eventual recovery were sown. Amongst other things, medication helped dull the pain, and counselling from a Christian counsellor helped me to face and find the correct perspectives regarding the deep fears and traumas that had become impassable mountains in my life.

At the end of July ’90 I read “Self Help for Your Nerves” by Dr Claire Weeks, and shortly after that hope became a permanent fixture in my life again. In the diary entry I made one month later, several things I wrote about showed that I was on the road to recovery. Complete recovery was some time off, however, I would make dramatic progress over the next few weeks/months.

25/8/1990 -
Life has changed now that I know what's wrong with me.
All the bewilderment of:
what is wrong with me? What is going on?
why won't it stop or go away?
where did it come from?
is gone!
Now I say with relief –
I know what's wrong with me,
My nervous system has packed up
It has developed a habit cycle
of manufacturing too much adrenalin,
and it does so ALL of the time.

But apart from that it is very hard.
I still feel exhausted and awful most of the time.
All I want to do is be normal again.
I want to be able to see people again.
I wish I had some friends,
I feel so alone.

I want to be able to get involved in a church again.
I want to be a muso
And get back to sharing the gospel again;
at the moment I'm not doing anything.

I just want to get on with life.
I want to be whole again - but stay within my limits this time.
I want to get my girl, get married, and have my own children.
I want to be as close to Jesus as I was before.

The early signs that I had left the dark winter of depression and was entering a time of ‘spring’ were:

1. The mind boggling bewilderment of "what is wrong with me!" was gone. I now understood what was wrong with me, how I had gotten into such a state, and had a strategy for recovery.

2. Instead of hiding from world like I did during those eight dark months, I realised I was lonely and needed and wanted human fellowship.

3. Instead of feeling useless and having no desire to do anything, I wanted to get involved in a church again, as a musician and by sharing the gospel.

4. I had abandoned all dreams of getting married during those eight dark months, but the desire to get married and have children had returned.

5. My lifelong driving passion to come closer to Jesus had also returned.

The Lord was gently restoring me to wholeness, to being ‘myself’ again.

Psalm 116:3-9
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the LORD:
"O LORD, save me!"
The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the simple hearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.


The next post will be, “Do I have to fully recover from depression before I can get back out there?”