Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Depression: on the Road to Recovery

I languished in a bleak, miry pit of severe depression for eight months, from Dec '89 to July '90. However, during that time many seeds for my eventual recovery were sown. Amongst other things, medication helped dull the pain, and counselling from a Christian counsellor helped me to face and find the correct perspectives regarding the deep fears and traumas that had become impassable mountains in my life.

At the end of July ’90 I read “Self Help for Your Nerves” by Dr Claire Weeks, and shortly after that hope became a permanent fixture in my life again. In the diary entry I made one month later, several things I wrote about showed that I was on the road to recovery. Complete recovery was some time off, however, I would make dramatic progress over the next few weeks/months.

25/8/1990 -
Life has changed now that I know what's wrong with me.
All the bewilderment of:
what is wrong with me? What is going on?
why won't it stop or go away?
where did it come from?
is gone!
Now I say with relief –
I know what's wrong with me,
My nervous system has packed up
It has developed a habit cycle
of manufacturing too much adrenalin,
and it does so ALL of the time.

But apart from that it is very hard.
I still feel exhausted and awful most of the time.
All I want to do is be normal again.
I want to be able to see people again.
I wish I had some friends,
I feel so alone.

I want to be able to get involved in a church again.
I want to be a muso
And get back to sharing the gospel again;
at the moment I'm not doing anything.

I just want to get on with life.
I want to be whole again - but stay within my limits this time.
I want to get my girl, get married, and have my own children.
I want to be as close to Jesus as I was before.


The early signs that I had left the dark winter of depression and was entering a time of ‘spring’ were:

1. The mind boggling bewilderment of "what is wrong with me!" was gone. I now understood what was wrong with me, how I had gotten into such a state, and had a strategy for recovery.

2. Instead of hiding from world like I did during those eight dark months, I realised I was lonely and needed and wanted human fellowship.

3. Instead of feeling useless and having no desire to do anything, I wanted to get involved in a church again, as a musician and by sharing the gospel.

4. I had abandoned all dreams of getting married during those eight dark months, but the desire to get married and have children had returned.

5. My lifelong driving passion to come closer to Jesus had also returned.

The Lord was gently restoring me to wholeness, to being ‘myself’ again.

Psalm 116:3-9
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the LORD:
"O LORD, save me!"
The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the simple hearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.



The next post will be, “Do I have to fully recover from depression before I can get back out there?”

10 comments:

  1. Carrie @ comfortedbyGod.blogspot.com

    Peter--
    Your post brings up a valuable lesson in keeping journals--we can look book with fresh perspective and see Gods hand in our life and recovery. Your diary entry truly reflects a healing heart and mind. Im so thankful you courageously share yourself to others struggling with depression.

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  2. Peter: This so reminds me of when I was very sick a few years ago. Actually, it started creeping up on me years previous to that--but I didn't recognize it. Doctors couldn't help and actually made it worse. Finally went to alternative health care professionals and by using vitamins and supplements gradually got back on my feet. But the depression that accompanied the physical illness (fatigue, pain, muscle spasms, inability to digest food, etc.) was terrible. Life is finally woth living! Glad you are back in the sunshine, too. D

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  3. I'm reading this post and nodding my head, Peter. You said: 1. The mind boggling bewilderment of "what is wrong with me!" was gone. I now understood what was wrong with me, how I had gotten into such a state, and had a strategy for recovery.

    People who have never suffered from depression, do not, and CANNOT understand what someone in that deepest of pits is going through.

    But praise God, that He can even use depression to His glory, and has given you the ability to write this blog and support and encourage others going through what you went through.

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  4. Your journal is a great reminder to me that even when today seems dark and lonely...hope awaits us in tomorrow and especially in Him.

    Happy Easter, Peter!

    Love and blessings,
    Robin

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  5. Dr. Weeks' book helped me a LOT too!

    The subtitle of my little novel (Aloha Where You Like Go?) is: "From survival to satisfaction in a Honolulu Taxi" because that is the journey I have been on...


    Aloha from Hawaii my Friend!


    Comfort Spiral

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  6. The Psalm goes perfect with your thoughts, Peter. Wishing you and your family a Happy Easter!

    Mary

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  7. EASTER GREETINGS FROM THE OLD GEEZER

    I PRAY YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY CELEBRATING RESURRECTION SUNDAY.

    HE IS RISEN!

    GOD BLESS YOU, RON

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  8. Stopping by to wish you a blessed Easter!

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  9. bronwenprsns@aol.comNovember 27, 2012 at 1:07 PM

    Something horrid hit in my 20's. Bewilderment: What a nightmare. To make a long story short. A psyciatrist told me to read " Peace from nervous suffering" By Dr Claire Weeks.I carried it around like my left lung. I can say I recovered! It has been years! I have lived a fear free life. yes.... there have always been spasms of fear, a few grips of panic, but I KNOW how to handle it. Now ... I am 48. Anxiety has hit again,medical issues, and I found myself... OUT OF PRACTICE! I am back on the books, and studying again. Setback. It's scary ... but I have to remember what Dr Claire weeks said. You know your way in, but you also know your way out. Prayers to all! And I thank God for a teacher as she.

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