Saturday, April 19, 2014

Feelings of Inadequacy

Just as waves batter the cliffs, depression frequently buffets its victims with feelings of inadequacy. When I was depressed I often lamented over what I used to be like, when I felt free and filled with purpose. When I had been serving as an assistant pastor, I felt of value to the Lord and that I was achieving something with my life.

More than anything I wanted to be normal again but instead was afflicted by disturbing mental, physical and emotional discomfort, all day, every day. I was certain that my mind and body were plotting and raging against me in spite. I remember looking at other people, whether in the flesh or on TV, and wishing that I could trade places with any one of them. I considered myself useless, of no value, unable to do anything, the most worthless of all His children, while those others lived fulfilling lives.

I wrote down how I felt about myself in my diary.

8th Feb 1990 –
Oh Jesus, I’m so inadequate, so helpless,
I’m so full of fears.
I know they are there,
But how do I get rid of them?


28th Feb 1990 –
Oh Jesus, please don’t tarry any longer - help me!
How do You look at me now?
Are you angry with me for blaming You?
And for getting angry with You?
Or do you understand?
And love me all the more?


A few days later, Sunday 4th March, 1990, the Lord spoke directly to my heart through a prophetic word the pastor shared from the pulpit. I recorded the amazing, encouraging words in my diary a few days later.

7th March 1990 –
Sunday morning at church was good, and one prophecy must have been from Jesus to me only. The prophecy was, "God has heard how you've said you are useless, hopeless, the worst of His servants - useless to Him, and that He must be disappointed in you. How can He possibly love you? Yet He wants you to know that He loves you, that He sees all this as the stumblings of a child learning how to walk. He does not consider you useless."

This prophetic word encouraged me greatly in the ‘here and now,’ that God was not disappointed in me, still loved me, and saw me as His precious child. The word also described how what I was going through would benefit me in the future. Depression felt like the end of the world at the time, but it was in fact me stumbling through life as part of the learning process: learning to rely upon Him instead of on my feelings; learning to be content whatever my circumstances instead of fighting and fearing them. And going through the difficult process of unlearning erroneous thought processes and allowing my thoughts to become captive to the mind of Christ.

On the topic of God viewing us as His children, I am reminded of another time several years ago when I was thinking of my son, a baby at that time. I thought of his innocence, his trusting nature – virtually unsullied by sin, and the spontaneous, innocent way in which he laughed and explored his surroundings. I thought of myself, and in comparison, I felt unworthy and unclean. I looked to Jesus and said, “Oh Lord, I wish you saw me as someone innocent and pure, like I see my son.” To my surprise, He answered immediately, saying with affection, “I do.”

And then I remembered that I am His precious child, and more - a new creation made innocent and pure by His atoning work on the Cross.

So let us be encouraged, and rejoice in the love that the Lord has for us. Our lives may seem to be messed up, we may feel useless and worthless, but that is not how He sees us. He treasures us and loves us and does not consider us useless. He understands what we are going through.

Hebrews 4:14-16 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

If we are feeling inadequate or worthless, let us rejoice that even so, we are still beautiful in His eyes, because He makes all things beautiful in His time - yes, even us. “He hath made every thing beautiful in his time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11 (KJV)

Here are the lyrics of one of the most beautiful songs I have heard, based on that very passage.

In His time, in His time,
He makes all things beautiful in His time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

In Your time, in Your time,
You make all things beautiful in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.


Download a pdf ebook on depression, ie, this blog's articles

All verses from the NIV unless stated otherwise.

16 comments:

  1. One of my favorite songs too, Peter.

    AMEN - those feelings of inadequacy are something I struggle with a lot. Yet, God sees me as already pure. What an encouraging thought. Thank you, Peter.

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  2. Blessings Peter...I love these words of this song also. As a matter of fact, I began singing it
    before you revealed the song as I read your words!

    Prophetic messages meant for you!

    Encouraging words from your pen or keyboard to our hearts.

    You do have a MINISTRY still, it's right here and you are serving! And I can bet that you have a great purpose as a dad!!! Don't sell yourself short! You are not inadequate! You are more than adequate. He is sufficient! His grace is sufficient!

    May your faith rise up within you ahead of those feelings, but not to quench your feelings yet to use the compassion to stir up the opposite feeling!

    So inadequacy leave in the Name of Jesus & release your more than sufficient adequacy to reign & pour forth by the power of the Holy Spirit alive in you!

    [I don't like that I read this current post after going back to read your 1st post without reading progressively each one in between- my fault not yours]

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  3. The turmoils you've gone through, the Lord had turned around for the good because you are now encouraging so many of us, who sometimes feel inadequate, useless, etc..etc..I'm learning so much from "depression" from you. It is helping me understand the inmates who battle this in a better perspective. Thank you for sharing your heart. That is a nice song! God bless. Have a great weekend!

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  4. Peter, this really resonated with me..
    ..."I thought of myself, and in comparison, I felt unworthy and unclean. I looked to Jesus and said, “Oh Lord, I wish you saw me as someone innocent and pure, like I see my son.” To my surprise, He answered immediately, affectionately, saying, “I do.”"...

    I forget that because of His Son, I now have access to Him..and His Son lives in me..so when He looks at me, He sees His Son...

    In His time...thank you for encouraging us...

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  5. I do believe that church service was meant for you. I believe in prophetic words because God knows what we need to hear at just the right time. And that time was for you. He was speaking directly at you. He loves you then and He loves you now Peter.

    That song is so true; so precise. God is never to late, and never too early; He is always right on time.

    I appreciate you sharing this vulnerable time in your life. Showing others how real you are in the struggles you've had reveals to others how merciful and real God is too. Something we all need to know. Not the pretty side of a Christian, but the times of hardships where the Lord has healed his followers. This shows how powerful God is and that He still is using you tremendeously by having your blog and sharing to others all that you've shared.

    You're a humble, and wise man Peter.

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  6. Peter,

    With my last bout of depression, I kept telling everyone I felt "underutilized." I just felt like God gifted me for greater things, and all I was doing was walking around cleaning up behind children, it seemed. I wrote in my journal and said to my husband many times, "I miss being pretty and smart. Now all I am is an unshowered mess who cannot remember words."

    That's how I felt, but God never saw me that way. And it wasn't even an accurate picture of what I was at the time (I took showers, for example!!! ha ha)

    But depression will totally deceive you into thinking you are un-usable, or useless as you put it.

    Isn't it funny that you'd even look at TV characters and conclude that they were living fulfilled lives? That just shows you how badly depression skews our thinking.

    That prophetic word must have moved you deeply. A pastor who hears God's voice and who isn't afraid to speak it is worth his weight in gold.

    Blessings,
    Sandy

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  7. Thank you, Peter for your prayers and concern for Colton and his family. I believe it is going to have to be taken to the next level. GOD BLESS you for caring.
    Serving GOD together, andrea

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  8. Hi Joanne,
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. What I did not mention in the blog entry is that in the midst of writing that entry, my wife showed me the songs we were going to sing/play in church today. (She sings, I play the piano.) And In His Time was one of those songs.

    Thanks so much for your prayers, support and encouragement, Peggy, especially for your assurance that I do still have a ministry, through what the Lord is doing in me with my writings.
    My wife has said the same thing. Seeing me spending hours writing the blog entries as well as 'talking' with others about depression etc on forums, she supports me by saying, "This is your ministry."

    So glad my writings are of some help too, RCUBEs. I'm praying that the Lord will continue to work through you as you work with the inmates - not an easy task, I know.

    What a wonderful Father we have, Sita, to have provided this wonderful way whereby He sees Jesus in us, and not our mess. Thanks as always for your support.

    God's timing never ceases to amaze me, Sarah. I don't think that I mentioned in my blog that the night before that church service, those issues had been foremost in my mind. Then to hear this prophecy spoken to me the next day, wow, I was so touched.

    Great to hear from Sandy, I'm looking forward to visiting your blog again soon. I'm also planning on linking to your Ninth Post on the storm soon, if that's OK? So amazing how what we've been through mirror's each others experiences so closely.

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  9. Oh yes, I can relate to that so very much. We really do need to keep reminding ourselves that we are children of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Bless you Peter.

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  10. Peter I am deeply touched when I visit/read your blog. Thank you for your transparency!

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  11. Perhaps part of our problem is that we are so unaware of God's love for us! I was reminded today and felt so freed listening to a sermon that retells the story of the prodigal son. It contrasts the reaction of the father with the reaction of the prodigal's brother to illustrate the point: God's love and forgiveness is not a 'now that you came home you have to pay for what you did wrong' sort of half-forgiveness. It's really freeing to know that God does not base His love on my performance or my obedience. He loves me and I can accept that grace. I really have trouble not adding to it though in my own pride.

    The message is called:'Grace and Our Past Failures' and it's from In Touch Ministries with Charles Stanley

    Here's the link to the podcast:
    MP3 Download for Grace and Our Past Failures from In Touch Ministires

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  12. Thank you Peter for all that you are doing to help others... God bless you!

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  13. thank you so much!!!!!!!!! let god continue to be with you.
    thank you for sharing that....i really APPRECIATE it. it was good to stop by here. I NEEDED IT! (everything happens for a reason)
    to god be the glory!
    i pray god blesses you by giving you all your heart desires! & just blesses you, your heart in general. THANKS to people like you
    ps. encouraging words, SONG & THOUGHTS! LOVE.

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  14. PS YES THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU ARE DOING FOR OTHERS!

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    Replies
    1. Dear Lotoya, thank you so much for your encouraging feedback, and I am delighted that the Lord has blessed you through this post and the wonderful song "In His Time."

      Blessings to you too :)
      Peter

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  15. Thank you for this post...God does have a way of doing things IN HIS TIME...I have over the pass few weeks felt inadequate in my work and life in general to the point of feeling weak ...this morning in talking to the Lord the following came to my mind "when Im weak yet I an strong"...and I went to google to find out what it really meant ...and I came across your blog...considering that you wrote the article sometime ago, God was still able to use it to minister to me today...this part in particular spoke to me .."it was in fact me stumbling through life as part of the learning process: learning to rely upon Him instead of on my feelings; learning to be content whatever my circumstances instead of fighting and fearing them. And going through the difficult process of unlearning erroneous thought processes and allowing my thoughts to become captive to the mind of Christ."
    IN HIS TIME HE WILL MAKE ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL...May God continue to truly bless you and all who will come here to share or for some kind of encouragement...

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