From my diary, 10th April 1990:
I once saw a spider that only had four legs,
The poor thing had lost the others somehow.
Yet the spider, a creature of instinct, did not even know,
It just kept struggling, vaguely aware something was wrong,
But not knowing what it was exactly.
That’s how I feel.
And 15th May 1990:
Self-hate keeps descending upon me like a swarm of angry hornets.
I look at myself and find nothing but contempt for this pathetic person I have become.
But I know this is wrong,
If I examine myself through the eyes of Jesus, I see someone special,
I see how much He loves me and cares for me,
How much I mean to Him.
And that He understands.
But knowing these things does not take away these feelings,
Feelings of self-hate, feelings of depression, of despair, and doubts.
And 18th May 1990:
I wish You were here on Earth, Lord, so I could go to You.
I would ask You to take compassion on me,
And heal my wounded spirit.
The fact was that Jesus was with me, holding my hand and comforting me. And one of the greatest sources of comfort was His word. In this post I would like to share a particular passage of scripture that brought me great comfort, a prophecy from Isaiah about Jesus. (God the Father is speaking.)
"Here is my servant whom I have chosen,
the one I love, in whom I delight;
I will put my Spirit on him,
and he will proclaim justice to the nations.
He will not quarrel or cry out;
no one will hear his voice in the streets.
A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out,
till he leads justice to victory.
In his name the nations will put their hope." Matthew 12:18-21
The latter part of this passage spoke volumes to me. I could think of no better description of someone suffering from depression than to portray them as a bruised reed or smoldering wick. That was exactly how I felt - bruised and battered, with my passion and zeal for life virtually extinguished, leaving nothing behind but a smoldering ember.
It reassured me greatly to know that Jesus held me gently in His hands, a bruised reed He would not break but restore to wholeness. How wonderful that although there was nothing left of me but a smoldering wick, He would take the time to gently fan that flame back into life. And that is exactly what He did. Jesus healed my bruises and rekindled my life flame, making me whole once again.
Jesus knows how frail we are.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust. Psalm 103:13-14
Yet even so, He treasures us so much that He gave His own life for us.
The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20
How comforting to know that those who follow Him are held safely within His hands, even in the midst of life’s trials and storms.
“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.” John 10:27-28
All verses from the NIV.