25th March 1990 -
Will I Ever See Daylight Again?
I feel like a bird trapped in a small birdcage,
A birdcage hidden at the bottom of a dark basement.
And all I want to do is break out of the blackness,
And fly into the Sonlight which waits outside.
I can feel it, the Light –
It’s all around the basement.
The Light is greater than the basement.
All I want to do is get into that Light,
And loose myself in it.
But it is an impossible task – I can’t get out.
And the thick, murky black air closes in…
I feel like I’m in a room with invisible walls.
But it’s so black in the room,
That I can’t see through the walls.
And I am the centre of the room.
Where I go, the room goes – I can’t get out.
I wish someone would chain the room still,
So I could get out into the Light outside.
There must be Light outside! I can remember it!
And other people I see everyday walk in it.
But how do I get out?
How do I get to the Light?
Oh Jesus, You are the Light of the world.
Please shatter this darkened prison I live in,
And take me into Your light.
Let it consume me, encompass me, surround me.
Let me become one with You, You in me, me in You.
Will this nightmare ever end?
Those who have been here before me,
Have left sign posts along the way,
Showing the way out.
But they all say the same thing:
“Wait, you’ll come through it,
it doesn’t feel like it now,
but you will come through it.
Life will be normal again one day.”
In time Jesus did shatter the dark prison walls that had trapped me for so long. As I trudged along that forlorn track He lead me to signpost after signpost, each nudging me in the right direction, towards being able to cope with depression and finally overcome it.
And now, twenty years after I wrote the above, I am one of those ‘others’ who, having recovered from depression, is leaving signposts along the way for others to follow – and that is the whole purpose of this blog.
And here are some of those signposts…
Although our life may appear to be a complete mess and out of control, this is not the truth.
We need to break depression’s fear, flight, fight cycle in order to reduce the flow of negative adrenalin. It is ironic that in order to do this, we need to accept the very sensations that are disturbing us, since the act of fearing, fleeing or fighting depression and its symptoms/causes is what causes the adrenalin to flow. (1)
Instead of desperately wanting to escape depression and its disturbing symptoms, we need to be willing to live with them by being content whatever our circumstances.
When we accept and learn to live with depression and its symptoms, and let time pass, the flow of adrenalin begins to diminish, and as it diminishes, the symptoms lose their intensity, shorten in duration, and slowly begin to disappear.
And the good news is that we do not need to do this alone or through our own strength.
All verses from NIV.
(1) Signposts 2, 3, and 4 inspired by ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p19.