Thursday, June 18, 2009


I had been suffering from severe depression for just over three months when I wrote this. Although feelings of despair dominate the diary entry, threads of hope are also woven through it.

25th March 1990 -
Will I Ever See Daylight Again?

I feel like a bird trapped in a small birdcage,
A birdcage hidden at the bottom of a dark basement.
And all I want to do is break out of the blackness,
And fly into the Sonlight which waits outside.
I can feel it, the Light –
It’s all around the basement.
The Light is greater than the basement.
All I want to do is get into that Light,
And loose myself in it.
But it is an impossible task – I can’t get out.
And the thick, murky black air closes in…

I feel like I’m in a room with invisible walls.
But it’s so black in the room,
That I can’t see through the walls.
And I am the centre of the room.
Where I go, the room goes – I can’t get out.
I wish someone would chain the room still,
So I could get out into the Light outside.

There must be Light outside! I can remember it!
And other people I see everyday walk in it.
But how do I get out?
How do I get to the Light?

Oh Jesus, You are the Light of the world.
Please shatter this darkened prison I live in,
And take me into Your light.
Let it consume me, encompass me, surround me.
Let me become one with You, You in me, me in You.

Will this nightmare ever end?
Those who have been here before me,
Have left sign posts along the way,
Showing the way out.
But they all say the same thing:
“Wait, you’ll come through it,
it doesn’t feel like it now,
but you will come through it.
Life will be normal again one day.”

In time Jesus did shatter the dark prison walls that had trapped me for so long. As I trudged along that forlorn track He lead me to signpost after signpost, each nudging me in the right direction, towards being able to cope with depression and finally overcome it.

And now, twenty years after I wrote the above, I am one of those ‘others’ who, having recovered from depression, is leaving signposts along the way for others to follow – and that is the whole purpose of this blog.

And here are some of those signposts…

Although our life may appear to be a complete mess and out of control, this is not the truth.

We need to break depression’s fear, flight, fight cycle in order to reduce the flow of negative adrenalin. It is ironic that in order to do this, we need to accept the very sensations that are disturbing us, since the act of fearing, fleeing or fighting depression and its symptoms/causes is what causes the adrenalin to flow. (1)

Instead of desperately wanting to escape depression and its disturbing symptoms, we need to be willing to live with them by being content whatever our circumstances.

When we accept and learn to live with depression and its symptoms, and let time pass, the flow of adrenalin begins to diminish, and as it diminishes, the symptoms lose their intensity, shorten in duration, and slowly begin to disappear.

And the good news is that we do not need to do this alone or through our own strength.

All verses from NIV.

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  • (1) Signposts 2, 3, and 4 inspired by ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p19.


    1. Wow, Peter, you're doing here exactly what Psalm 71 (The Message) says here...

      "I come in the power of the Lord God, I post signs marking his right-of-way.

      17-24 You got me when I was an unformed youth, God, and taught me everything I know. Now I'm telling the world your wonders; I'll keep at it until I'm old and gray. God, don't walk off and leave me until I get out the news Of your strong right arm to this world, news of your power to the world yet to come, Your famous and righteous ways, O God.
      God, you've done it all! Who is quite like you?..."

      Thank you for taking the time and thought on this...those signposts are what I needed today...amazing job...

      working through that book slowly...thanks again...

    2. I could feel the despair from your diary entry, all the fears and feeling trapped in that darkness, yet that hope, even that little hope was enough for you to recognize the Light that would eventually bring you out of those invisible walls. What a powerful testimony and those signs are surely powerful and I know a lot of the readers here are blessed by these wonderful promises from the Lord. What awesome signposts you did share that would guide everyone now who's feeling depressed...God bless.

    3. Could hear the raw emotions & the desperation, but so thankful for the hope that is present in each one of your posts.

    4. What a piece you wrote - and I LOVE the signs. Excellent post.

    5. Praise GOD for hope in the deepest darkest hour.

      Blessings and prayers, andrea

    6. Peter your heart speaks so much truth and pain. At the same time you share the hope that is within you also!!!!

      The last two signs I can really relate. Thanks Peter for sharing!! Blessings to you dear one.

    7. I love it when I open my email and see one of your subscription posts like this one here. It is so genuine and heartfelt. So powerful and encouraging. I love how you had the idea to incorporate those awesome signs of hope; signs of reminder of how Christ will provide strength to help in being content in any situation and He will meet us there, but in the end after we have overcome the test of time, the trials, God has promised to give the crown of life to those that love Him. James 1:12. I love that! Another incredible post Peter!! Just awesome!

    8. Hi rcubes, yeah, that was the worst place I've been in, I called it "hell on earth" at the time, yet it was so amazing that God still gave me that spark of hope, that smouldering wick that Jesus fanned back into flame.

      Thanks for your encouragement and feedback as always, Laura, Joanne, and Andrea.

      Hi JBR, James 1:12, Phil 4:13 and 2 Cor 12:9-10 are awesome passages of scripture. All the more so because it is through Christ's strength that we can endure and overcome. As bleak as my life was back then, I remember shuddering at what it could have been like if I did not have faith and hope in Jesus.

      Thanks for the awesome compliment, Sarah. Took a long time making the signs but I was happy when I saw how they turned out. God bless :)

    9. Dear Peter,
      Such a powerful post. Thank you for sharing and thank you so much for the kind comment you left on my blog. Your prayers are truly appreciated. Stay blessed always ... LJ

    10. Thanks Lilly, and you're most welcome. Glad to have you back from holidays. (although like me, I'm sure you wished holidays could be much longer!)