Past emotional, mental or physical abuse, or being deeply hurt or mistreated by a friend or an enemy, are common causes of depression. I have had my share of such experiences. Bitterness, anger and unforgiveness are typical responses to such injustices suffered, but as these reactions hinder our walk with Christ, the Bible gives us ample instructions on how to overcome them.
Let me also mention here that in many of the above cases, especially where abuse is involved, getting help from a trained Christian counsellor or a professional health care worker is very highly recommended if not absolutely necessary.
Keep No Record of Wrongs
Isaiah 43:18-19
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.”
This passage provides a vivid description of a life damaged by past hurts – a life that has become a wasteland, a desert. Dwelling upon a record of wrongs weighs us down and heavily burdens us. But the Lord’s instructions to forget those former things and not dwell on them, comes with a beautiful promise. Letting them go releases streams of living water into our life and enables God to do a new work in us.
One of the greatest new works Christ does in our lives is to bring us to a place where we can forgive those who have hurt us. This is such an important aspect of our daily Christian walk that Jesus included it as part of the Lord’s prayer. Luke 11:4 “Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.”
Instead of dwelling on past hurts, we can let go of those memories and forgive the person that hurt us. Although we cannot make ourselves forget the memories, if we stop clinging to them the painful associations will fade significantly.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-5 ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.’
“But it is Part of Who I am…”
One reason I had trouble letting go of past hurts was because they had become part of my identity. “I am this way because of how that person mistreated me,” was an excuse I believed. I feared that if I let go of the anger and record of wrongs and forgave the person who had hurt me, I would lose a part of myself, part of my very individuality.
However, Jesus taught me that such fears were unfounded, that I did not have to hold onto past hurts in order to maintain my identity. He showed me that there was another option - to allow His love and forgiveness to flow from me towards the person who hurt me. And when I did this, instead of anger and the record of past wrongs being part of who I was, Christ’s love and forgiveness became part of my identity.
If someone were to meet me and hear my testimony now, they would not hear me say, “I am this way because of how that person mistreated me.” Instead, they would see that I have forgiven the person who wounded me, and in fact love them dearly with the love of Christ. If they were to ask me how this could be so, I would answer, “I am this way because of Christ’s work of love and forgiveness in my life.”
When we let Christ's love and forgiveness become part of who we are, we change and become more like Christ. And is that not our goal, to become more like Him? 'It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.' Galatians 2:20 (NLT)
As we learn to surrender our lives to Christ, He can give us such a powerful revelation of His love for us that we can view others through His loving gaze rather than through our own eyes. I have experienced this very powerfully in my life.
Let us be like Stephen, whose attitude towards those who unjustly stoned him to death was: ‘While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." Then he fell on his knees and cried out, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." When he had said this, he fell asleep.’ Acts 7:59-60
What a wonderful testimony this is to the power of God’s love. When others see us forgive - even love - those who have hurt us, they see the power of God’s kingdom in action, and their lives are changed too. I have heard of many cases of abusive prison wardens in Soviet countries coming to Christ after witnessing the unconditional love and forgiveness of their captives.
Harbouring Unforgiveness Hurts Ourselves
If we have been deeply hurt by someone in the past, we earnestly desire to flee that pain and be set free from the wounds. A thought that I would like us to bear in mind is that by consciously or unconsciously harbouring anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness towards that person, we unwittingly participate in keeping those wounds fresh and unable to heal. That is one reason that Jesus spoke so often of the importance of forgiving those who have wronged us. By not forgiving them, we hurt ourselves even further.
To Forgive Others, Reflect On How Much God Has Forgiven Us
The most liberating Biblical truth that helps us to forgive those who have treated us unjustly is to recognise the depths to which God has forgiven us.
Why does the Bible say, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,” Matthew 6:14? It is because for us to refuse to forgive others after God has forgiven our massive debts towards Him, shows a lack of appreciation of how much God has forgiven us.
We all know of the parable in Matthew 18:21-35, where a servant who owed millions of dollars to a king, had that debt cancelled when he asked for mercy. The servant then went on to throw a fellow servant that owed him a few dollars into prison, because he had not paused to reflect on the mercy the king had extended towards him.
This is the key to forgiving others, as Selwyn Hughes writes: ‘I would not judge you or condemn you if you said: “I can never forgive that person for what he (or she) did to me.” But what I would say to you is this: the more you reflect on the wonder of how much you have been forgiven the easier it will be to forgive even the worst sins that have been committed against you.’ (1)
So, regardless of how much we have been hurt by others, let us forgive them. If God forgives us of our numerous sins towards Him, we can forgive others of their (comparatively) lesser sins towards us.
And then we will be sons and daughters of God, revealing His nature to a hurting world, as it shows us in Luke 6:35-36 “But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High…Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”
(1) Every Day with Jesus, Monday 18th Feb, Selwyn Hughes, CWR, Jan/Feb 2002.
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All verses from NIV unless noted otherwise.
Showing posts with label panic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Depression, Christians, and Anti-Depressant Medication
Along with counseling or professional therapy to deal with the traumas associated with or causing depression, another crucial step in recovering from clinical depression is a consultation with a good doctor. (Note that by depression, I am referring to an illness, the symptoms of which generally include loss of interest in life, overwhelming sadness, obsessive fearful thoughts, fear that this bleak, distressing phase will never end, no hope for the future, and many other disturbing physical, emotional, mental and spiritual symptoms.)
During the consultation we need to tell the doctor exactly what we are going through, we must not play down the symptoms. We also need to tell the doctor if we have been plagued by any suicidal thoughts or urges. Many doctors have a special checklist of questions regarding depression that they go through in order to ascertain our condition.
The doctor should also investigate whether there are any health issues that could be causing the depression, such as food intolerances, and so on.
Should the doctor recommend anti-depressant medication, we should seriously consider following the recommendation, and if we do, we must remain under the doctor’s supervision by having regular checkups and always following the doctor’s advice. If we notice any unpleasant or disturbing side effects caused by the medication we need to consult with the doctor immediately.
We also need to ignore the stigmas and negative attitudes that are often associated with anti-depressants such as, “Anti-depressants are a cop-out,” or, “You say you trust in God yet you rely on anti-depressants?” or, “How can you say God is all you need when you need pills to cope with life?” One reason anti-depressants are criticized in Christian circles is because they are taken by people who are not depressed in order to cope with problems instead of facing and dealing with them. Many also fear they will become addicted to anti-depressants.
We should never feel guilty or inadequate for taking medication for depression, as clinical depression is an actual illness, and as an illness, needs to be treated. For example, I have complex partial epilepsy. If I do not take anti-seizure medication I suffer quite horrific seizures, cannot sleep, and am not permitted to drive. The medication I take stops the seizures, allows me to sleep, and I can drive. No one has ever criticized me or questioned the depth of my faith for my dependence on the medication.
Before I went onto anti-depressants, my diary entries were completely devoid of hope, full of pain, despair, anger, guilt, and confusion. I was not sleeping, and my mind had lost all flexibility.
25th March 1990 –
I feel like I’m in a room with invisible walls,
But it’s so black in the room that I can’t see through the walls.
And I am in the centre of the room.
Where I go, the room goes, I can’t get out.
The Christian counselor I was seeing told me during our first session that I should be on anti-depressants to help me cope with the illness. Here is the diary entry I wrote just before seeing the family doctor in 1990. We can see how my view of anti-depressants was dictated by fear and the stigmas attached to them by society.
I’m not coping with life at all. I don’t think I can cope with this lack of peace any longer. Tomorrow I’m going to see the doctor and get some pills that will give me peace. Tomorrow I’m going to take pills to help me cope with life, and it’s really hard. I feel like saying, “What happened to Your Word, Jesus, where You said You would comfort me?” But I know you are faithful and true, although I don’t understand, I must trust in you and fix my eyes on You through this storm.
The doctor gave me an anti-depressant medication that included a mild tranquilizer, and my counselor gave me practical advice on how to take them. She explained that the pills would knock me out for the first week, so for that week I should take them earlier, until my body got used to them. She said that they would start to take effect in around two weeks. (I understand that some anti-depressants may take from three to six weeks.) This is what I wrote after the medication began to take effect.
29th April 1990 –
A faint glimmer of hope,
It’s amazing, absolutely amazing.
It’s now been almost two weeks since I’ve wanted to end it.
The temptation is to deny ever feeling like that,
To say, ‘I can’t believe I felt like that.’
But it was true, very true, far too real.
All I wanted to do was die, or get away from the pain.
So I guess these tablets must be working.
I’ve been taking them for four weeks now.
I was told it would take two weeks before they would start to take effect,
And it did.
As we can see, the anti-depressants greatly reduced the effects of depression. They dulled the pain and enabled me to sleep, an important part of the healing process.
One point I would like to make very clear is that anti-depressants do not heal depression nor completely stop the pain. This was something I quickly realized:
13th May 1990 –
It is so hard,
The deep pain has gone, but I’m still a mess.
However, with the deep pain gone and the symptoms dulled, I was able to concentrate on the task of recovery. I was able to listen to the counselor and slowly change my perspective on the things that I feared, and also put into practice the techniques recommended by Doctor Claire Weekes in ‘Self Help for Your Nerves.’ I do not believe I would have been able to accomplish this without the medication.
Not including those individuals who need to remain on anti-depressants due to significant biological or mental disorders, when going onto anti-depressants we may need to remind ourselves that we do not take them to help us cope with life, but in order to concentrate on our goal of recovering from depression.
It may help to consider anti-depressants as a step in a race, with the prize being recovery from depression so we can achieve wholeness in Christ. ‘Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.’ 1 Corinthians 9:24 Jesus wants us to be whole. ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.’ John 10:10. So let us press on towards recovery, never giving up. ‘I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 3:14
We must not fear that we will become addicted to or dependent upon the anti-depressants. If recovery from depression is our goal, and we address the causes of depression through counseling or therapy, that will never be an issue. If we find ourselves wanting to remain indefinitely on anti-depressants, more counseling or professional help is needed.
In ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes writes, “Usually, when cured, the last thing these people want to see is one of those wretched capsules or a dose of that pink mixture.” (1)
When we feel we have recovered sufficiently to get off the anti-depressants, this must be done with the doctor’s supervision, as getting off the medication too quickly causes problems.
I reduced the dosage of my medication slowly over several weeks, under my doctor’s supervision, and I remember clearly the day I walked into a pharmacy and handed the pharmacist the box of remaining anti-depressants and said, “I don't need these anymore.” I was smiling when I walked out.
(1) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p15.
Download an updated pdf booklet of this blog's articles
(All verses from the NIV)
During the consultation we need to tell the doctor exactly what we are going through, we must not play down the symptoms. We also need to tell the doctor if we have been plagued by any suicidal thoughts or urges. Many doctors have a special checklist of questions regarding depression that they go through in order to ascertain our condition.
The doctor should also investigate whether there are any health issues that could be causing the depression, such as food intolerances, and so on.
Should the doctor recommend anti-depressant medication, we should seriously consider following the recommendation, and if we do, we must remain under the doctor’s supervision by having regular checkups and always following the doctor’s advice. If we notice any unpleasant or disturbing side effects caused by the medication we need to consult with the doctor immediately.
We also need to ignore the stigmas and negative attitudes that are often associated with anti-depressants such as, “Anti-depressants are a cop-out,” or, “You say you trust in God yet you rely on anti-depressants?” or, “How can you say God is all you need when you need pills to cope with life?” One reason anti-depressants are criticized in Christian circles is because they are taken by people who are not depressed in order to cope with problems instead of facing and dealing with them. Many also fear they will become addicted to anti-depressants.
We should never feel guilty or inadequate for taking medication for depression, as clinical depression is an actual illness, and as an illness, needs to be treated. For example, I have complex partial epilepsy. If I do not take anti-seizure medication I suffer quite horrific seizures, cannot sleep, and am not permitted to drive. The medication I take stops the seizures, allows me to sleep, and I can drive. No one has ever criticized me or questioned the depth of my faith for my dependence on the medication.
Before I went onto anti-depressants, my diary entries were completely devoid of hope, full of pain, despair, anger, guilt, and confusion. I was not sleeping, and my mind had lost all flexibility.
25th March 1990 –
I feel like I’m in a room with invisible walls,
But it’s so black in the room that I can’t see through the walls.
And I am in the centre of the room.
Where I go, the room goes, I can’t get out.
The Christian counselor I was seeing told me during our first session that I should be on anti-depressants to help me cope with the illness. Here is the diary entry I wrote just before seeing the family doctor in 1990. We can see how my view of anti-depressants was dictated by fear and the stigmas attached to them by society.
I’m not coping with life at all. I don’t think I can cope with this lack of peace any longer. Tomorrow I’m going to see the doctor and get some pills that will give me peace. Tomorrow I’m going to take pills to help me cope with life, and it’s really hard. I feel like saying, “What happened to Your Word, Jesus, where You said You would comfort me?” But I know you are faithful and true, although I don’t understand, I must trust in you and fix my eyes on You through this storm.
The doctor gave me an anti-depressant medication that included a mild tranquilizer, and my counselor gave me practical advice on how to take them. She explained that the pills would knock me out for the first week, so for that week I should take them earlier, until my body got used to them. She said that they would start to take effect in around two weeks. (I understand that some anti-depressants may take from three to six weeks.) This is what I wrote after the medication began to take effect.
29th April 1990 –
A faint glimmer of hope,
It’s amazing, absolutely amazing.
It’s now been almost two weeks since I’ve wanted to end it.
The temptation is to deny ever feeling like that,
To say, ‘I can’t believe I felt like that.’
But it was true, very true, far too real.
All I wanted to do was die, or get away from the pain.
So I guess these tablets must be working.
I’ve been taking them for four weeks now.
I was told it would take two weeks before they would start to take effect,
And it did.
As we can see, the anti-depressants greatly reduced the effects of depression. They dulled the pain and enabled me to sleep, an important part of the healing process.
One point I would like to make very clear is that anti-depressants do not heal depression nor completely stop the pain. This was something I quickly realized:
13th May 1990 –
It is so hard,
The deep pain has gone, but I’m still a mess.
However, with the deep pain gone and the symptoms dulled, I was able to concentrate on the task of recovery. I was able to listen to the counselor and slowly change my perspective on the things that I feared, and also put into practice the techniques recommended by Doctor Claire Weekes in ‘Self Help for Your Nerves.’ I do not believe I would have been able to accomplish this without the medication.
Not including those individuals who need to remain on anti-depressants due to significant biological or mental disorders, when going onto anti-depressants we may need to remind ourselves that we do not take them to help us cope with life, but in order to concentrate on our goal of recovering from depression.
It may help to consider anti-depressants as a step in a race, with the prize being recovery from depression so we can achieve wholeness in Christ. ‘Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.’ 1 Corinthians 9:24 Jesus wants us to be whole. ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.’ John 10:10. So let us press on towards recovery, never giving up. ‘I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 3:14
We must not fear that we will become addicted to or dependent upon the anti-depressants. If recovery from depression is our goal, and we address the causes of depression through counseling or therapy, that will never be an issue. If we find ourselves wanting to remain indefinitely on anti-depressants, more counseling or professional help is needed.
In ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes writes, “Usually, when cured, the last thing these people want to see is one of those wretched capsules or a dose of that pink mixture.” (1)
When we feel we have recovered sufficiently to get off the anti-depressants, this must be done with the doctor’s supervision, as getting off the medication too quickly causes problems.
I reduced the dosage of my medication slowly over several weeks, under my doctor’s supervision, and I remember clearly the day I walked into a pharmacy and handed the pharmacist the box of remaining anti-depressants and said, “I don't need these anymore.” I was smiling when I walked out.
(1) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p15.
Download an updated pdf booklet of this blog's articles
(All verses from the NIV)
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Verdict: Not Guilty
In ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Dr Claire Weekes writes, Guilt can be a nightmare to some people suffering with nervous breakdown, particularly to those trying to set a high standard for themselves, such as religious people who lead a dedicated life. (1) (Note that clinical depression is called a nervous breakdown merely because during depression, our nervous system has broken down.)
While suffering from depression I suffered terribly from guilt, in fact, I found it one of depression’s most disturbing aspects. But from counselling, prayer, God’s Word, and through the liberating work of Jesus, I was eventually set free from it. In this post, I will examine several aspects of guilt during depression.
Ruminating Over Past Sins
When suffering from depression it is quite common to develop a habit of casting our gaze back to painful memories of recent or past sins and failures.
And since our mind is in an oversensitive, anxious state, we relive those memories with painful intensity. As guilt rises up to consume us, our face becomes hot, we lament and grieve over the past event, and wish we could go back in time and relive that part of our life and do it properly this time. These extremely discouraging episodes can last for hours.
However, there is good news for those who believe in Jesus and follow Him as Lord - we have assurance that our sins will be forgiven when we confess them. So if we recall a past or recent sin, we can confess that sin to God and receive His complete forgiveness.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Note that while we only need to confess a sin to God once, it is typical while depressed to keep confessing the same sin again and again, because the feeling of guilt remains. If this happens, we just need to keep reminding ourselves that we have already confessed the sin, it is forgiven, and we do not need to look at it, confess it, or feel guilty over it any longer. If the feelings of guilt remain, it is nothing to be alarmed about - our nervous system is exhausted and needs time to recover.
Here are more Bible verses that assure us of the forgiveness of our sins.
1 John 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. Jesus’ blood, which He shed on the cross, does not just cover our sins - it cleanses us of them completely.
What is God’s attitude to our sins, once they have been forgiven? Does He keep tabs on them? No, this is what He does with them: You will hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. Micah 7:19 Jeremiah 31:34 goes on to tell us, "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."
So if God Himself chooses to forget our sins, who are we to keep dragging them up time and time again?
Satan will try to convince us that we are still guilty, but Romans 8:1 tells us the truth. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Another verse which comforted me greatly is 2 Corinthians 5:21 God made Jesus, who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Jesus we might become the righteousness of God. This means that when God looks at us, He does not see our old, sinful nature and problems. Instead, He sees the purity and righteousness of Jesus clothing us instead.
While digging through my diary yesterday, I found an entry that I wrote during the ‘recovering from depression’ phase of my life.
24/6/92 - When I sin I often feel really unworthy, although I always say sorry to God. I feel guilty and unworthy to go before Jesus, as though He is displeased with me. But yesterday He showed me that He wants to have a relationship with me above all else, and He wants that relationship to be in harmony at all times. When I sin and say sorry, that's all He expects. He wants me to say sorry so that the harmony can be restored to our relationship. That's why He died on the cross, so that mankind could again fellowship with Him and the Father and Holy Spirit, like when Adam and Eve fellowshipped with Him in the Garden of Eden before they sinned. Jesus has atoned for my sins so that I can have a harmonious relationship with Him at all times.
(A postscript here. If there is an issue of habitual sin in your life, and you are having trouble stopping it, please see a pastor or counsellor and get the sin dealt with. This will require repentance, ie, turning our back on the sin, and may also require counselling, inner healing, or spiritual warfare, and needs to centre on the cross of Christ.)
I’m Not Doing Enough for God
Another common cause for feeling guilty while depressed is when we look back at what we used to be like - zealously serving the Lord - and feel guilty that we are not serving God to that degree now. I recall how painful it could be going to church while I was in this phase. The pastor often gave stirring, convicting sermons on the importance of using our gifts to serve God. These sermons were actually aimed at healthy Christians in the church that warmed a pew on Sunday, but took no further steps in using their gifts to serve God. So, although the pastor was not talking to me, in my anxious I feared the sermons were aimed squarely at me and felt so guilty for my lack of current activity.
One day that same pastor asked me how I was going. When I told him briefly my condition, he surprised me by telling me to rest and recover – which was exactly what I needed to do. I needed to have realistic expectations, recognise that I was ill, and as with all illnesses, needed time to recover from it. This does not mean that we cannot serve God while depressed. During the initial phase of depression, I was such a mess that I honestly could not do anything much at all. However, once I had been placed on anti-depressants, received counselling, and read ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ I soon improved sufficiently to start serving God again. But I started slowly. First I joined a home group and played the piano. A few months later I taught Sunday school – and this is all I did for around four years. Finally, when I recovered completely, I was able to become more involved in serving God. So we have to be patient with ourselves. God knows we are ill, and He does not expect us to do more than we are able.
From my diary, 28/9/91 - It's funny, here I am, trying to live a normal life, yet I am suffering from a mental illness - me, the guy that nothing ever happened to, or never would happen to. And I feel kind of guilty, or ashamed, that I am this way. But it is not my fault - and there's nothing I can do about it. So I should not feel guilty or a failure - it is just one more thing for me to overcome through Jesus, one more victory to win.
Note that we do not have to run around looking for ways to serve God - we only have to do what He gives us to do. Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. How do we know which works God has prepared for us to do, rather than burning ourselves out running around trying to meet the needs of all people everywhere? We keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, be sensitive to the gentle promptings of the Holy Spirit, pray, and be aware of what is going on around us. He will show us what to do.
I’ve Stepped Outside of God’s Will
While suffering from depression I was petrified that I had stepped outside of God’s will and that His response was to punish my by taking away my peace. In other words, I feared that He had caused the depression in order to punish me, which of course resulted in deep-seated guilt.
My counsellor taught me that I could not step outside God’s will, for He is greater than my ability to do such a thing. She taught me to pray, “What ever Your will is for my life, Lord, please bring it about - even without my obedience or cooperation. You are God; You are greater than me or the circumstances, so You are able to bring about Your will regardless.”
The following verse was crucial in setting me free from the deceitful fear that God was punishing me.
1 John 4:18 ‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.’
I wrote a diary entry when God drove this truth home into my heart. I learned a couple of weeks ago about 1 John 4:18 where it says the love of God has no fear - it says that there is no fear of punishment from God. So all of my fears that God was about to smash me over the head with a brick for stepping out of line were rubbish.
Getting Angry with God
The below diary entry shows common reactions we can have towards God during the initial stages of depression, when everything seems hopeless and black. Knowing that we should trust Him and not blaming Him results in more feelings of guilt.
8/2/90 –
I grow tired of repenting.
I tried to praise You in and through and for it,
I tried not to grumble, not to get bitter.
But I failed.
I’ve lost my temper with You,
I’ve blamed You.
How could You let this happen to me?
I feel so dirty, so unclean, because of the anger I have towards You.
My previous blog post, Has God Abandoned Me? deals with this issue in detail, so if you have not read it, I recommend popping over there when you get a chance.
Spiritual Warfare
A small postscript, if I may. If the feelings of guilt do not diminish over time, I recommend seeing a pastor or a Christian counsellor, as there may be a work of the enemy involved such as an unclean spirit of guilt. If such a thing is revealed by the Holy Spirit, the pastor or counsellor can take authority over that work of the enemy, break its grip on our life, and cast it away from us.
Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Matthew 16:19 “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." (Heaven in this passage refers to the spiritual realm where the enemy lives.)
The Judge’s Verdict
For those who are in Christ Jesus, the Judge in heaven has issued His verdict over our lives – and that verdict is: not guilty.
(1) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p86.
Download a pdf booklet of this blog's articles
All verses from NIV.
While suffering from depression I suffered terribly from guilt, in fact, I found it one of depression’s most disturbing aspects. But from counselling, prayer, God’s Word, and through the liberating work of Jesus, I was eventually set free from it. In this post, I will examine several aspects of guilt during depression.
Ruminating Over Past Sins
When suffering from depression it is quite common to develop a habit of casting our gaze back to painful memories of recent or past sins and failures.
And since our mind is in an oversensitive, anxious state, we relive those memories with painful intensity. As guilt rises up to consume us, our face becomes hot, we lament and grieve over the past event, and wish we could go back in time and relive that part of our life and do it properly this time. These extremely discouraging episodes can last for hours.
However, there is good news for those who believe in Jesus and follow Him as Lord - we have assurance that our sins will be forgiven when we confess them. So if we recall a past or recent sin, we can confess that sin to God and receive His complete forgiveness.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Note that while we only need to confess a sin to God once, it is typical while depressed to keep confessing the same sin again and again, because the feeling of guilt remains. If this happens, we just need to keep reminding ourselves that we have already confessed the sin, it is forgiven, and we do not need to look at it, confess it, or feel guilty over it any longer. If the feelings of guilt remain, it is nothing to be alarmed about - our nervous system is exhausted and needs time to recover.
Here are more Bible verses that assure us of the forgiveness of our sins.
1 John 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. Jesus’ blood, which He shed on the cross, does not just cover our sins - it cleanses us of them completely.
What is God’s attitude to our sins, once they have been forgiven? Does He keep tabs on them? No, this is what He does with them: You will hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. Micah 7:19 Jeremiah 31:34 goes on to tell us, "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."
So if God Himself chooses to forget our sins, who are we to keep dragging them up time and time again?
Satan will try to convince us that we are still guilty, but Romans 8:1 tells us the truth. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Another verse which comforted me greatly is 2 Corinthians 5:21 God made Jesus, who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Jesus we might become the righteousness of God. This means that when God looks at us, He does not see our old, sinful nature and problems. Instead, He sees the purity and righteousness of Jesus clothing us instead.
While digging through my diary yesterday, I found an entry that I wrote during the ‘recovering from depression’ phase of my life.
24/6/92 - When I sin I often feel really unworthy, although I always say sorry to God. I feel guilty and unworthy to go before Jesus, as though He is displeased with me. But yesterday He showed me that He wants to have a relationship with me above all else, and He wants that relationship to be in harmony at all times. When I sin and say sorry, that's all He expects. He wants me to say sorry so that the harmony can be restored to our relationship. That's why He died on the cross, so that mankind could again fellowship with Him and the Father and Holy Spirit, like when Adam and Eve fellowshipped with Him in the Garden of Eden before they sinned. Jesus has atoned for my sins so that I can have a harmonious relationship with Him at all times.
(A postscript here. If there is an issue of habitual sin in your life, and you are having trouble stopping it, please see a pastor or counsellor and get the sin dealt with. This will require repentance, ie, turning our back on the sin, and may also require counselling, inner healing, or spiritual warfare, and needs to centre on the cross of Christ.)
I’m Not Doing Enough for God
Another common cause for feeling guilty while depressed is when we look back at what we used to be like - zealously serving the Lord - and feel guilty that we are not serving God to that degree now. I recall how painful it could be going to church while I was in this phase. The pastor often gave stirring, convicting sermons on the importance of using our gifts to serve God. These sermons were actually aimed at healthy Christians in the church that warmed a pew on Sunday, but took no further steps in using their gifts to serve God. So, although the pastor was not talking to me, in my anxious I feared the sermons were aimed squarely at me and felt so guilty for my lack of current activity.
One day that same pastor asked me how I was going. When I told him briefly my condition, he surprised me by telling me to rest and recover – which was exactly what I needed to do. I needed to have realistic expectations, recognise that I was ill, and as with all illnesses, needed time to recover from it. This does not mean that we cannot serve God while depressed. During the initial phase of depression, I was such a mess that I honestly could not do anything much at all. However, once I had been placed on anti-depressants, received counselling, and read ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ I soon improved sufficiently to start serving God again. But I started slowly. First I joined a home group and played the piano. A few months later I taught Sunday school – and this is all I did for around four years. Finally, when I recovered completely, I was able to become more involved in serving God. So we have to be patient with ourselves. God knows we are ill, and He does not expect us to do more than we are able.
From my diary, 28/9/91 - It's funny, here I am, trying to live a normal life, yet I am suffering from a mental illness - me, the guy that nothing ever happened to, or never would happen to. And I feel kind of guilty, or ashamed, that I am this way. But it is not my fault - and there's nothing I can do about it. So I should not feel guilty or a failure - it is just one more thing for me to overcome through Jesus, one more victory to win.
Note that we do not have to run around looking for ways to serve God - we only have to do what He gives us to do. Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. How do we know which works God has prepared for us to do, rather than burning ourselves out running around trying to meet the needs of all people everywhere? We keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, be sensitive to the gentle promptings of the Holy Spirit, pray, and be aware of what is going on around us. He will show us what to do.
I’ve Stepped Outside of God’s Will
While suffering from depression I was petrified that I had stepped outside of God’s will and that His response was to punish my by taking away my peace. In other words, I feared that He had caused the depression in order to punish me, which of course resulted in deep-seated guilt.
My counsellor taught me that I could not step outside God’s will, for He is greater than my ability to do such a thing. She taught me to pray, “What ever Your will is for my life, Lord, please bring it about - even without my obedience or cooperation. You are God; You are greater than me or the circumstances, so You are able to bring about Your will regardless.”
The following verse was crucial in setting me free from the deceitful fear that God was punishing me.
1 John 4:18 ‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.’
I wrote a diary entry when God drove this truth home into my heart. I learned a couple of weeks ago about 1 John 4:18 where it says the love of God has no fear - it says that there is no fear of punishment from God. So all of my fears that God was about to smash me over the head with a brick for stepping out of line were rubbish.
Getting Angry with God
The below diary entry shows common reactions we can have towards God during the initial stages of depression, when everything seems hopeless and black. Knowing that we should trust Him and not blaming Him results in more feelings of guilt.
8/2/90 –
I grow tired of repenting.
I tried to praise You in and through and for it,
I tried not to grumble, not to get bitter.
But I failed.
I’ve lost my temper with You,
I’ve blamed You.
How could You let this happen to me?
I feel so dirty, so unclean, because of the anger I have towards You.
My previous blog post, Has God Abandoned Me? deals with this issue in detail, so if you have not read it, I recommend popping over there when you get a chance.
Spiritual Warfare
A small postscript, if I may. If the feelings of guilt do not diminish over time, I recommend seeing a pastor or a Christian counsellor, as there may be a work of the enemy involved such as an unclean spirit of guilt. If such a thing is revealed by the Holy Spirit, the pastor or counsellor can take authority over that work of the enemy, break its grip on our life, and cast it away from us.
Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Matthew 16:19 “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." (Heaven in this passage refers to the spiritual realm where the enemy lives.)
The Judge’s Verdict
For those who are in Christ Jesus, the Judge in heaven has issued His verdict over our lives – and that verdict is: not guilty.
(1) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p86.
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All verses from NIV.
Friday, April 24, 2009
On Top of the Mountain
It is autumn in Australia now, yet by some fluke of nature, the weather on Easter Monday was simply beautiful. So much so that after we had eaten lunch, my wife Shoko suggested we take a drive to Sky High in the Mount Dandenong’s. Sky High, a tourist attraction, is advertised as having something for the whole family including an exquisite English garden, an adventurous maze, trail walks in the Dandenong Ranges National Park, and simply amazing views.With there being few daylight hours left, I raced upstairs, accessed Google Maps, typed in Sky High’s address and selected ‘Get Directions.’ Google Maps popped out detailed instructions on how to proceed from our house to Sky High. I printed the instructions and after grabbing snacks and drinks, we piled into the car and were on our way.
Here is the final section of Google Maps’ instructions:
14. Turn left at Old Coach Rd 0.2 km
15. Turn right to stay on Old Coach Rd 0.3 km
16. Sharp left to stay on Old Coach Rd 0.5 km
17. Turn left to stay on Old Coach Rd 1.0 km
18. Sharp right to stay on Old Coach Rd 0.3 km
19. Sharp right at Ridge Rd 1.7 km
20. Sharp right at Observatory Rd 0.6 km
Estimated driving time was one hour and eleven minutes.
That seemed pretty straight forward, but to my surprise, upon reaching Old Coach Road we found a relatively steep, winding, unsealed road littered with loose sand and stones. Steep slopes adorned one side of the road and a sharp decline was on the other, both covered with trees. May I point out here that I do not like driving on unsealed roads - especially steep winding ones?
Neither does Hannah, my eleven year old, who said, “I don’t feel well, Papa.” Winding mountain roads make her nauseous.
“Don’t worry, we’ll be off this road soon,” I reassured her.
I did not mention that I felt ill at ease myself. Although driving slowly, thoughts that the car might slide towards that sharp drop were foremost in my mind. I asked the Lord to help me drive and keep us safe, and then focused on the task of driving, taking it moment by moment, mindful that it would be over soon.
Thinking this unsealed road to be the only route to Sky High, and aware that only one other car was following us, I concluded that Sky High must not be a popular attraction, and would probably be virtually deserted. Yet as we turned onto Ridge Road, the last leg of the journey to Observatory Road and Sky High, we were surprised to find a sealed road clogged with other cars. I began to suspect that there might be another route to Sky High.
Arriving at Sky High’s entrance a moment later, a crushing wave of vertigo obliterated my balance and I collapsed over the top of the steering wheel.
I have otosclerosis, a genetically inherited disease that causes calcification of the bones of the middle ear. Although this causes hearing loss and terrible tinnitus, I am one of the lucky 25% who has the complication of otosclerotic inner ear syndrome. This means that from time to time, especially when I eat, I experience moments of severe rotatory vertigo.
I clung to the steering wheel like a drowning man to a life preserver, waiting for the dizziness to abate, as it always does. To my consternation, although the sensation faded enough for me to be able to sit up again, it did not go away like in the past. Instead, I was still giddy and my head felt like it was deep under water. I paid the entry fee to gain entrance to Sky High and then drove carefully to a car park.
When we clambered out of the car I was surprised to see hundreds of other people present. That settled it - there must be another, easier way to this mountain top other than the route we used! My kids needed the toilet, so we headed off towards the toilet block. I was finding it difficult to stand yet alone walk, since my balance was so out of whack. I saw an elderly man lying on his side on the grass, being soothed by his wife. That was exactly what I wanted to do.
My daughter suddenly began to cry. I was touched, and thought, ‘Oh, what a lovely girl, she’s sad because of the hard time I’m having.’ “What’s the matter, Hannah?” I asked, preparing to reassure her that I was basically all right.
“I don’t like mountain roads, they make me nauseous!” was her reply.
My ego came crashing back to earth – seems like I was not the centre of the world after all. “Don’t worry, Hannah, with this many people here, there’s got to be a better way off this mountain, and I’m going to find it!” If driving up that unsealed road was that nerve racking, I had no intention of driving down it if there was another way!
I felt pretty awful as we went off to explore the mountain top; the dizziness and oppressive weight upon my mind remained constant. But why? Was the altitude causing this otosclerotic inner ear syndrome? Or was the disease swinging into the next phase. Fearful thoughts tried to trip me up, saying, “What if it doesn’t stop, what if it’s permanent like the tinnitus?”
I did not pay heed to the “what if” fears. Jesus said, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” And that’s what I was going to do. And although these terrible physical sensations made me want to lie down until they (hopefully) went away, my experiences with depression had taught me that there was another way. And that was to acknowledge that I was going to feel this way for some time, and did not need to let it incapacitate me. Instead, I would enjoy being on top of this mountain with my family while leaving the disturbing sensations churning away like background music.
We had a great time exploring Sky High Maze. When we went the right way we found large metal stamping boxes upon which to stamp the cards we had been given. We had to collect four stamps. My daughter, Miss Show-off, said, “Look, we don’t have to find our way through the maze, just listen to the sounds of the other stamp boxes and follow the sounds!” Suddenly navigating the maze was easy.
After that we took turns knocking down cup pyramids, wandered through the English Garden, and into the Secret Garden. This was surrounded by tall hedges and contained a gazebo. Hannah sat us on the grass and led the family to pray for my ears. I was so proud of her. After having our snack, Hannah and Timmy raced around the garden like headless chickens.Next came a six-hundred-meter bushwalk that meandered through a forest loop.
Finally it was time to go home. An examination of the Melways map book confirmed that there was another route to and from Sky High – using a four lane, sealed road! Guess which route we used to get off the mountain? We learned then that you cannot trust Google maps - they give you the shortest route from A to B, but not the best route. And to my amazement, as we began to drive back down the mountain (using that lovely sealed road!) the dizziness vanished as quickly as it had come. My balance returned, my head cleared, and I drove home very much relieved. Thanks to Jesus for helping me overcome my handicap, we had a wonderful time on top of the mountain, and praised God for His blessings.
1 John 5:3-5 This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.
All verses from NIV.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Depression & Anger: Sherry's Testimony
Everyone who suffers from depression struggles with anger to some degree. It may be focused or unfocused, or be primarily directed at depression’s symptoms as well as towards our own mind and body for ruining our life by never ceasing to manufacture those symptoms month after month. Focused anger can be towards whatever or whoever caused the depression, towards God for allowing this thing to befall us, or even towards the enemy.
My sister in Christ, Sherry Castellucio, has kindly granted me permission to reprint here an article she wrote called, ‘Fighting Depression.’ She shares her testimony of her life long battle with depression and its accompanying anger.
FIGHTING DEPRESSION, by Sherry Castelluccio
The best way I’ve heard depression described is “anger turned inward”. It can be a real vicious anger, depending on the week. It’s a debilitating, mean-spirited, cruel monster with little regard for the rest of the world. It doesn’t matter if you’re a stay at home mom or if you’re a teenager just trying to survive. You could be an old lady, living at home by yourself with all of your family away in other parts of the country, or you could be a widower who just lost the love of your life. It’s no respecter of persons and doesn’t care about age, race, or religion. If you are human, you are susceptible. If you’ve had it before you’re even more of a target.
Over the years, I’ve found the simplest way to fight it is just to accept it. Yes, I have depression but no, I’m not going to allow it to rule my life. The biggest help I’ve ever given myself was to figure out what parts of it I can control and what parts I need help with. I can’t control the fact that it’s genetic and sometimes appears, regardless of how hard I fight to contain it. After the birth of my child, it buried me. Suddenly I was enmeshed in things I had no control over and my body literally shut down like a computer hard drive. There was simply too much information to process.
I remember feeling so incredibly angry but had not the foggiest idea why. Surrounded by in-laws, an intrusive mother, and a newborn became too much to handle all at once. I had to learn how to function as a person and learn how to keep the voices at bay, and eventually disappear. I had to accept that for a while the only elixir was medication.
The parts I can control are a bit trickier. I know what I have to do to make this better, but I have to decide what I’m going to do about it. I have to choose within myself how I’m going to live today, being bitter and angry or choosing to come out of it, albeit ever so slowly. I have to know what makes me feel good and even if I have no desire to participate in those things, I know I must if I am to make it out alive and able to be the person my family needs me to be. It’s much easier to admit I can’t live this way when there are people at home that need me.
Still, there are those days when I would much rather curl myself up into the foetal position and sleep the day away, forgetting everything and everyone in my life. Shirking my responsibilities and ignoring my needs are tempting, but not realistic. It’s my responsibility to make this home run smoothly and raise my child the best way I know how. It’s impossible to be productive when I’m zonked out in bed.
The Lord has been so faithful in pulling me out. He never fails to reveal himself in those dark times when I feel so empty, so lifeless. He is there reminding me that if I just give a little bit, try just a tiny fraction, He’ll bless me for it. It is work but I give in to Him because I know that He is right. It isn’t worth it to indulge in myself because I get nothing out of it. Giving in to myself is the last great mistake.
What words of comfort can I give to someone who struggles as I do? Remember that the devil is a liar, you are loved and it is possible to go on today. Recognize your anger for what it is and do something constructive about it.
Are you bored at home? Pick up that hobby you put down. Are you lonely? Call that friend you haven’t spoken to in months. You will both be glad you did. Is your body physically sick? Go sit outside in the sun for a few minutes. Find the one thing that makes you smile and drink it up.
Surround yourself with children, rent a comedy, finger paint. You are here because God put you here with a purpose. Find out what it is, make it your ambition to find out what you can do to bless others. I have found that the fastest way to bust Satan in the teeth is to do something for someone else. It puts a stop to the feelings of sadness and makes you feel alive and full of purpose, all at the same time. Make yourself laugh. It’s the simplest, most inexpensive cure there is and the most readily available. It changes your whole outlook.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well”. (Psalm 139:14) Allow this truth to embrace you and accept you. You are His child and he loves you as if you were the only one on this earth.
I have suffered from depression my whole life but I refuse to allow it to consume me and to dictate how I will live. My master is my Saviour Jesus Christ. I submit to his laws, not the laws of depression. There are some days that I am happy simply because I am alive and loved. There are other days when I must decide that I’m going to be happy, regardless of what my body or mind is telling me. It’s those days, when I have to make the most effort to really choose to smile that I know God is with me. Those are the days when I know I’m winning.
Fighting depression is no easy thing. Half the battle is won when you can stand back and decide that your life is good, even if Satan is trying to convince you otherwise. And in the end, the joke’s on him. He can’t be happy because he can’t be in the presence of the Lord. Now that is a depressing thought.
© 2005 Sherry Castelluccio
Download an ebook on depression, ie, this blog's articles
My sister in Christ, Sherry Castellucio, has kindly granted me permission to reprint here an article she wrote called, ‘Fighting Depression.’ She shares her testimony of her life long battle with depression and its accompanying anger.
FIGHTING DEPRESSION, by Sherry Castelluccio
The best way I’ve heard depression described is “anger turned inward”. It can be a real vicious anger, depending on the week. It’s a debilitating, mean-spirited, cruel monster with little regard for the rest of the world. It doesn’t matter if you’re a stay at home mom or if you’re a teenager just trying to survive. You could be an old lady, living at home by yourself with all of your family away in other parts of the country, or you could be a widower who just lost the love of your life. It’s no respecter of persons and doesn’t care about age, race, or religion. If you are human, you are susceptible. If you’ve had it before you’re even more of a target.
Over the years, I’ve found the simplest way to fight it is just to accept it. Yes, I have depression but no, I’m not going to allow it to rule my life. The biggest help I’ve ever given myself was to figure out what parts of it I can control and what parts I need help with. I can’t control the fact that it’s genetic and sometimes appears, regardless of how hard I fight to contain it. After the birth of my child, it buried me. Suddenly I was enmeshed in things I had no control over and my body literally shut down like a computer hard drive. There was simply too much information to process.
I remember feeling so incredibly angry but had not the foggiest idea why. Surrounded by in-laws, an intrusive mother, and a newborn became too much to handle all at once. I had to learn how to function as a person and learn how to keep the voices at bay, and eventually disappear. I had to accept that for a while the only elixir was medication.
The parts I can control are a bit trickier. I know what I have to do to make this better, but I have to decide what I’m going to do about it. I have to choose within myself how I’m going to live today, being bitter and angry or choosing to come out of it, albeit ever so slowly. I have to know what makes me feel good and even if I have no desire to participate in those things, I know I must if I am to make it out alive and able to be the person my family needs me to be. It’s much easier to admit I can’t live this way when there are people at home that need me.
Still, there are those days when I would much rather curl myself up into the foetal position and sleep the day away, forgetting everything and everyone in my life. Shirking my responsibilities and ignoring my needs are tempting, but not realistic. It’s my responsibility to make this home run smoothly and raise my child the best way I know how. It’s impossible to be productive when I’m zonked out in bed.
The Lord has been so faithful in pulling me out. He never fails to reveal himself in those dark times when I feel so empty, so lifeless. He is there reminding me that if I just give a little bit, try just a tiny fraction, He’ll bless me for it. It is work but I give in to Him because I know that He is right. It isn’t worth it to indulge in myself because I get nothing out of it. Giving in to myself is the last great mistake.
What words of comfort can I give to someone who struggles as I do? Remember that the devil is a liar, you are loved and it is possible to go on today. Recognize your anger for what it is and do something constructive about it.
Are you bored at home? Pick up that hobby you put down. Are you lonely? Call that friend you haven’t spoken to in months. You will both be glad you did. Is your body physically sick? Go sit outside in the sun for a few minutes. Find the one thing that makes you smile and drink it up.
Surround yourself with children, rent a comedy, finger paint. You are here because God put you here with a purpose. Find out what it is, make it your ambition to find out what you can do to bless others. I have found that the fastest way to bust Satan in the teeth is to do something for someone else. It puts a stop to the feelings of sadness and makes you feel alive and full of purpose, all at the same time. Make yourself laugh. It’s the simplest, most inexpensive cure there is and the most readily available. It changes your whole outlook.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well”. (Psalm 139:14) Allow this truth to embrace you and accept you. You are His child and he loves you as if you were the only one on this earth.
I have suffered from depression my whole life but I refuse to allow it to consume me and to dictate how I will live. My master is my Saviour Jesus Christ. I submit to his laws, not the laws of depression. There are some days that I am happy simply because I am alive and loved. There are other days when I must decide that I’m going to be happy, regardless of what my body or mind is telling me. It’s those days, when I have to make the most effort to really choose to smile that I know God is with me. Those are the days when I know I’m winning.
Fighting depression is no easy thing. Half the battle is won when you can stand back and decide that your life is good, even if Satan is trying to convince you otherwise. And in the end, the joke’s on him. He can’t be happy because he can’t be in the presence of the Lord. Now that is a depressing thought.
© 2005 Sherry Castelluccio
Download an ebook on depression, ie, this blog's articles
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Breaking Depression's Fear Cycle
In my previous article I discussed how depression causes what Doctor Weekes calls a ‘fear-adrenalin-fear cycle,’ where the fear, flight or fight reaction to depression causes more adrenalin to flow. This adrenalin is what causes depression’s symptoms. In addition, the more we fear, flee or fight, the worse we become, as the additional adrenalin produced prolongs symptoms and produces new, even more alarming ones.
I mentioned how the first step in stopping the cycle is to recognize that it is this cycle that causes the disturbing physical, mental, emotional and spiritual sensations.
In this article, I outline a system that can begin to slow and eventually stop the flow of fear related adrenalin. Although the system is simple and presented quite clearly in God’s word, it is so ‘unnatural’ that it does not occur to us if lost in a state of anxiety. (The natural reaction to depression is to fear, flee or fight the symptoms.)
Prior to putting into practice the technique that stops the cycle, Dr Weekes explains the importance of facing and examining the symptoms that are troubling us. She writes, 'I have no doubt that you are tensely shrinking from the feelings within you and yet, are ready to “listen in” in apprehension?...Now examine and do not shrink from the sensations that have been upsetting you. I want you to examine each carefully, to analyse and describe it to yourself...Do not tensely flinch from it. Go with it. Relax and analyse it…Now that you have faced and examined it, is it so terrible?' (1) That is, although the symptoms feel unbearable, we can put up with them.
How to Break the Fear, Flight, and Fight Cycle:
1. Accept each of depression’s symptoms as being part of our life, instead of fearing, fighting or fleeing them
2. Learn to live with the symptoms as part of our life, as if they were background music
3. Let time pass while trusting that God is in control (2)
Our first reaction to these steps could be, “But I don’t WANT to learn to live with these disturbing sensations - I want them to go away!”
And there lies the irony of it all. It is only when we accept those sensations, learn to live with them, and let time pass, that the flow of adrenalin begins to diminish. And as the flow of adrenalin diminishes, the symptoms lose their intensity, shorten in duration, and slowly begin to disappear. Accepting them instead of fearing or fighting them is the way to make them go away.
The Bible has many scriptures that illustrate this technique.
Verses for Acceptance:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1:2-3
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Verse for Learning to Live with the Symptoms:
Philippians 4:12-13 ‘I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.’
Verses for Letting Time Pass while Trusting that God is in Control:
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” John 14:1
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear…Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Matthew 6:25,27
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5.
Speaking for myself, I knew the Bible verses that told me not to fear, that I should be content, and that I should rejoice in the midst of my sufferings, yet trying to put them into practice through sheer will power alone did not work. However, once I understood that by putting those verses into practice I would break the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle, those verses suddenly came alive to me.
Letting Time Pass
Less me stress that breaking the flow of adrenalin does not happen overnight. However, my life is a testimony to the fact that it does happen. Dr Claire Weekes says, “Accept it [the symptom] as something that will be with you for some time yet – in fact while you recover – but something that will eventually leave you if you are prepared to let time pass and not anxiously watch the churning during its passing. But do not make the mistake of thinking that it will go as soon as you cease to fear it. Your nervous system is still tired and will take time to heal, just as a broken leg takes time.” (3)
It is important that we keep ourselves busy as we let time pass while waiting to heal. We should go out of our way to find constructive activities that interest us and get lost in them. Physical exercise, such as swimming, aerobics, circuit, walking or jogging, can also be of great help.
Within a month of my reading “Self Help for Your Nerves,” a significant number of my symptoms, especially the physical ones, had diminished or ceased altogether. Over the next six months, I joined a new church, became a musician in a home group, started teaching Sunday School, and engaged in normal social activities again. Some of the symptoms took longer to fade away, but by reacting to them in the correct way, they no longer had the same power or intensity – I no longer feared them. Some symptoms, especially those that required I retrain my thought processes, lasted longer, but in time, they too faded away.
While in the midst of depression, we think we have no future and no hope. But in Christ, we always have hope and a future. 1 Corinthians 2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
Hope enters our lives again when we know that it is only a matter of time (whether weeks or months, or in the case of some symptoms, years) for our nervous system to recover from this cycle. When I read “Self Help for your Nerves,” hope flooded through me, as you can see from this diary entry:
28th July 1990 -
This book has taught me how to react so that the merry go round will be stopped. And it’s teaching me how to react whenever it strikes again in the future.
The Importance of Surrender
To recover from depression we need to surrender every aspect of our life, including our desires and will, to Jesus. Romans 8:28 assures us that God is trustworthy. ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.’
At the end of World War Two, the Allies demanded that Germany surrender to them unconditionally. That meant the Allies set all of the terms of the surrender and that Germany could not make any demands of its own. We sing, “All to Jesus, I surrender,” but do we really surrender everything? (I am pointing a finger at myself here too!) For when suffering comes along, instead of surrendering all of our will to Him, we typically react by fearing, fleeing or fighting - because we do not want to be where we are. Yet, by reacting like this, we make the suffering worse as this causes more adrenalin to flow.
When we accept what we are going instead of fearing, fleeing or fighting it, when we learn to live with it, and let time pass, we can find rest again. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.
(1) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p21.
(2) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p19. Note, Dr Weekes includes 'floating' as a step in the treatment technique, whereas I wrote 'learn to live with it.' In my case I found the 'floating' concept hard to grasp, but easily related to that step (or my interpretation of it) when I thought of it as 'learning to live with it.'
(3) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p22.
All verses from NIV.
I mentioned how the first step in stopping the cycle is to recognize that it is this cycle that causes the disturbing physical, mental, emotional and spiritual sensations.
In this article, I outline a system that can begin to slow and eventually stop the flow of fear related adrenalin. Although the system is simple and presented quite clearly in God’s word, it is so ‘unnatural’ that it does not occur to us if lost in a state of anxiety. (The natural reaction to depression is to fear, flee or fight the symptoms.)
Prior to putting into practice the technique that stops the cycle, Dr Weekes explains the importance of facing and examining the symptoms that are troubling us. She writes, 'I have no doubt that you are tensely shrinking from the feelings within you and yet, are ready to “listen in” in apprehension?...Now examine and do not shrink from the sensations that have been upsetting you. I want you to examine each carefully, to analyse and describe it to yourself...Do not tensely flinch from it. Go with it. Relax and analyse it…Now that you have faced and examined it, is it so terrible?' (1) That is, although the symptoms feel unbearable, we can put up with them.
How to Break the Fear, Flight, and Fight Cycle:
1. Accept each of depression’s symptoms as being part of our life, instead of fearing, fighting or fleeing them
2. Learn to live with the symptoms as part of our life, as if they were background music
3. Let time pass while trusting that God is in control (2)
Our first reaction to these steps could be, “But I don’t WANT to learn to live with these disturbing sensations - I want them to go away!”
And there lies the irony of it all. It is only when we accept those sensations, learn to live with them, and let time pass, that the flow of adrenalin begins to diminish. And as the flow of adrenalin diminishes, the symptoms lose their intensity, shorten in duration, and slowly begin to disappear. Accepting them instead of fearing or fighting them is the way to make them go away.
The Bible has many scriptures that illustrate this technique.
Verses for Acceptance:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1:2-3
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Verse for Learning to Live with the Symptoms:
Philippians 4:12-13 ‘I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.’
Verses for Letting Time Pass while Trusting that God is in Control:
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” John 14:1
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear…Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Matthew 6:25,27
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5.
Speaking for myself, I knew the Bible verses that told me not to fear, that I should be content, and that I should rejoice in the midst of my sufferings, yet trying to put them into practice through sheer will power alone did not work. However, once I understood that by putting those verses into practice I would break the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle, those verses suddenly came alive to me.
Letting Time Pass
Less me stress that breaking the flow of adrenalin does not happen overnight. However, my life is a testimony to the fact that it does happen. Dr Claire Weekes says, “Accept it [the symptom] as something that will be with you for some time yet – in fact while you recover – but something that will eventually leave you if you are prepared to let time pass and not anxiously watch the churning during its passing. But do not make the mistake of thinking that it will go as soon as you cease to fear it. Your nervous system is still tired and will take time to heal, just as a broken leg takes time.” (3)
It is important that we keep ourselves busy as we let time pass while waiting to heal. We should go out of our way to find constructive activities that interest us and get lost in them. Physical exercise, such as swimming, aerobics, circuit, walking or jogging, can also be of great help.
Within a month of my reading “Self Help for Your Nerves,” a significant number of my symptoms, especially the physical ones, had diminished or ceased altogether. Over the next six months, I joined a new church, became a musician in a home group, started teaching Sunday School, and engaged in normal social activities again. Some of the symptoms took longer to fade away, but by reacting to them in the correct way, they no longer had the same power or intensity – I no longer feared them. Some symptoms, especially those that required I retrain my thought processes, lasted longer, but in time, they too faded away.
While in the midst of depression, we think we have no future and no hope. But in Christ, we always have hope and a future. 1 Corinthians 2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
Hope enters our lives again when we know that it is only a matter of time (whether weeks or months, or in the case of some symptoms, years) for our nervous system to recover from this cycle. When I read “Self Help for your Nerves,” hope flooded through me, as you can see from this diary entry:
28th July 1990 -
This book has taught me how to react so that the merry go round will be stopped. And it’s teaching me how to react whenever it strikes again in the future.
The Importance of Surrender
To recover from depression we need to surrender every aspect of our life, including our desires and will, to Jesus. Romans 8:28 assures us that God is trustworthy. ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.’
At the end of World War Two, the Allies demanded that Germany surrender to them unconditionally. That meant the Allies set all of the terms of the surrender and that Germany could not make any demands of its own. We sing, “All to Jesus, I surrender,” but do we really surrender everything? (I am pointing a finger at myself here too!) For when suffering comes along, instead of surrendering all of our will to Him, we typically react by fearing, fleeing or fighting - because we do not want to be where we are. Yet, by reacting like this, we make the suffering worse as this causes more adrenalin to flow.
When we accept what we are going instead of fearing, fleeing or fighting it, when we learn to live with it, and let time pass, we can find rest again. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.
(1) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p21.
(2) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p19. Note, Dr Weekes includes 'floating' as a step in the treatment technique, whereas I wrote 'learn to live with it.' In my case I found the 'floating' concept hard to grasp, but easily related to that step (or my interpretation of it) when I thought of it as 'learning to live with it.'
(3) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p22.
All verses from NIV.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Depression - Empowered by a Lack of Knowledge
They tell us that “ignorance is bliss, what you don’t know can’t hurt you.”
Yet with depression, nothing could be further from the truth, as confirmed by Hosea 4:6. “My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.” It is ignorance of clinical depression and the way it operates that gives it so much power.
Please note that ‘clinical depression’ is also known as major depressive disorder, organic depression, or simply as depression. Symptoms may include loss of interest in life, overwhelming sadness, obsessive fearful thoughts, fear that this bleak, distressing phase will never end, having no hope for the future, and having disturbing physical, mental, emotional and spiritual symptoms.
If I had known back in the late 1980s what I know now, I would not have fallen victim to an endless cycle of debilitating anxiety attacks nor slipped into a suffocating depression that destroyed my life for eight long months. If I had a dollar for every time I wished I could take my current knowledge back to 1989 and live my life again from that point, I would be rich.
Many positive steps have been taken in recent years to educate our society to the dangers of depression. Radio, television, newspaper and internet adverts warn of depression and encourage sufferers to seek professional help. Nevertheless, I suspect few people in our society can truly relate to what an individual suffering from depression is going through, and even fewer know practical steps that can prevent or overcome it.
Although I had attended thirteen years of school, teacher’s college (with child psychology), and Bible College (with a counselling component), none of the courses taught me specific details about depression or provided a practical guide to overcoming it.
Hence, when I finally slipped headlong into depression at the end of 1989, I had no idea what was wrong with me. As the days turned to weeks and then to months, the fear that this ‘thing’ that had overcome me would never lessen or end crippled me.
I spent hours recording my woes and symptoms in my diary in a futile attempt to work out what was going on. Here is an early entry:
31st Jan ’90 – I feel like the Melbourne weather. I regularly get extremely angry, very angry, even with God. And then, half an hour later, I want to cry, in despair and loneliness…I feel extremely sad for some reason. I even feel extreme momentary excitement every now and then. What has happened to me?
And three months later:
12th April ’90 –
What is this storm that rages within me?
Why won’t it abate, why won’t it subside?
It comes in like a storm, and devours me.
And it won’t go away. It’s nearly four months now.
Four months of doing nothing, just hiding and hiding and waiting
Here is something I wrote in July ‘90, which aptly summarises the abject bewilderment I was experiencing.
A Difficult Road
How should I view my current condition?
This constant state of being ill at ease.
Is it an emotional condition causing physical stress?
Or a physical condition causing emotional stress?
I cannot work it out.
There are so many physical side effects that it could be physical.
Sometimes my shoulder muscles ache to abandon,
The aching pain in my jaw drives me crazy.
My face and arms get a burning, prickling sensation.
My stomach feels trapped, as though it needs to burst,
Or simply feels disturbed.
My chest feels like its going to explode,
And like my stomach, often feels ill at ease.
I’ve also suffered from flu symptoms since April.
These physical problems alone would be enough to cause emotional stress.
And as there are physical problems, so there are emotional ones.
I feel uncomfortable all the time, most notably while at work.
Frustration, irritation, anger and uncontrollable depression are ever present.
Words are inadequate to explain the emotional effects that afflict me.
They vary from a feeling that something big and dark will consume me,
To endless mental churnings that only makes me worse,
To those times where it is so faint that I can only just detect it.
These emotional problems alone would be enough to cause physical stress.
I wish I had a word to describe this ‘illness’ that assails me,
Is it ‘depression?’ I really don’t know.
This uncertainty drove me to the point of despair. On June 14th June ’90 I wrote:
What is suffering?
It must be the human inheritance,
It never ends.
It just goes on and on and on.
And I’ve had enough, but whom do I tell?
How do I get off this merry-go-round?
Eventually, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, but it was not explained to me in sufficient detail. What a relief it would have been had I known that all of the symptoms mentioned above in ‘A Difficult Road’ above were caused by depression. There were other symptoms as well, such as racing heart, missed heartbeats, palpitating heartbeat, obsessive thoughts, loss of interest in live, extreme anxiety, panic attacks – all caused by depression.
When I finally learned that depression’s fear-flight cycle caused all these physical and emotional problems, and that by changing my thought processes they would cease, I felt so liberated. (More on this in a later article.) In John 8:32 Jesus said, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." As Christians, we also receive help from God’s Holy Spirit. John 16:13 “But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth.”
Here is an example of how truth and knowledge can set us free from fear. When my son was born, he was placed in a humidicrib because he could barely breathe. The nightshift nurses (he was born at 1.30am) gave me such scant information regarding his ailment that I was greatly distressed. The following morning, however, another nurse explained to me that my son’s lungs had filled with fluid during the caesarean operation, a normal occurrence, and that his lungs would drain naturally, within three days. My fears abated and relief flooded through me, and sure enough, fifteen hours later his lungs had cleared and he was united with my wife and me.
It is my heart felt desire that all may know not only depression’s symptoms so that they can recognise it in themselves or others, but also know how to recover from it. Satan uses our lack of knowledge to attack us. Recall the warning Peter gave us in 1 Peter 5:8 ‘Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.’ Take special note that Peter says he prowls around like a roaring lion. Satan excels at deceit and deception.
When I learned in late July 1990 a much more detailed description of what was wrong with me, how I came to be in such a state, and how to recover, I no longer considered myself a freak. Instead, I was comforted by the knowledge that I was suffering from a common affliction. Knowledge replaced ignorance, understanding chased away despair, and hope returned.
The same Holy Spirit who anointed Jesus lives in us! Isaiah 11:2-4 ‘the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD.’
Download a pdf booklet of this blog's articles
(All verses from NIV)
Yet with depression, nothing could be further from the truth, as confirmed by Hosea 4:6. “My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.” It is ignorance of clinical depression and the way it operates that gives it so much power.
Please note that ‘clinical depression’ is also known as major depressive disorder, organic depression, or simply as depression. Symptoms may include loss of interest in life, overwhelming sadness, obsessive fearful thoughts, fear that this bleak, distressing phase will never end, having no hope for the future, and having disturbing physical, mental, emotional and spiritual symptoms.
If I had known back in the late 1980s what I know now, I would not have fallen victim to an endless cycle of debilitating anxiety attacks nor slipped into a suffocating depression that destroyed my life for eight long months. If I had a dollar for every time I wished I could take my current knowledge back to 1989 and live my life again from that point, I would be rich.
Many positive steps have been taken in recent years to educate our society to the dangers of depression. Radio, television, newspaper and internet adverts warn of depression and encourage sufferers to seek professional help. Nevertheless, I suspect few people in our society can truly relate to what an individual suffering from depression is going through, and even fewer know practical steps that can prevent or overcome it.
Although I had attended thirteen years of school, teacher’s college (with child psychology), and Bible College (with a counselling component), none of the courses taught me specific details about depression or provided a practical guide to overcoming it.
Hence, when I finally slipped headlong into depression at the end of 1989, I had no idea what was wrong with me. As the days turned to weeks and then to months, the fear that this ‘thing’ that had overcome me would never lessen or end crippled me.
I spent hours recording my woes and symptoms in my diary in a futile attempt to work out what was going on. Here is an early entry:
31st Jan ’90 – I feel like the Melbourne weather. I regularly get extremely angry, very angry, even with God. And then, half an hour later, I want to cry, in despair and loneliness…I feel extremely sad for some reason. I even feel extreme momentary excitement every now and then. What has happened to me?
And three months later:
12th April ’90 –
What is this storm that rages within me?
Why won’t it abate, why won’t it subside?
It comes in like a storm, and devours me.
And it won’t go away. It’s nearly four months now.
Four months of doing nothing, just hiding and hiding and waiting
Here is something I wrote in July ‘90, which aptly summarises the abject bewilderment I was experiencing.
A Difficult Road
How should I view my current condition?
This constant state of being ill at ease.
Is it an emotional condition causing physical stress?
Or a physical condition causing emotional stress?
I cannot work it out.
There are so many physical side effects that it could be physical.
Sometimes my shoulder muscles ache to abandon,
The aching pain in my jaw drives me crazy.
My face and arms get a burning, prickling sensation.
My stomach feels trapped, as though it needs to burst,
Or simply feels disturbed.
My chest feels like its going to explode,
And like my stomach, often feels ill at ease.
I’ve also suffered from flu symptoms since April.
These physical problems alone would be enough to cause emotional stress.
And as there are physical problems, so there are emotional ones.
I feel uncomfortable all the time, most notably while at work.
Frustration, irritation, anger and uncontrollable depression are ever present.
Words are inadequate to explain the emotional effects that afflict me.
They vary from a feeling that something big and dark will consume me,
To endless mental churnings that only makes me worse,
To those times where it is so faint that I can only just detect it.
These emotional problems alone would be enough to cause physical stress.
I wish I had a word to describe this ‘illness’ that assails me,
Is it ‘depression?’ I really don’t know.
This uncertainty drove me to the point of despair. On June 14th June ’90 I wrote:
What is suffering?
It must be the human inheritance,
It never ends.
It just goes on and on and on.
And I’ve had enough, but whom do I tell?
How do I get off this merry-go-round?
Eventually, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, but it was not explained to me in sufficient detail. What a relief it would have been had I known that all of the symptoms mentioned above in ‘A Difficult Road’ above were caused by depression. There were other symptoms as well, such as racing heart, missed heartbeats, palpitating heartbeat, obsessive thoughts, loss of interest in live, extreme anxiety, panic attacks – all caused by depression.
When I finally learned that depression’s fear-flight cycle caused all these physical and emotional problems, and that by changing my thought processes they would cease, I felt so liberated. (More on this in a later article.) In John 8:32 Jesus said, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." As Christians, we also receive help from God’s Holy Spirit. John 16:13 “But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth.”
Here is an example of how truth and knowledge can set us free from fear. When my son was born, he was placed in a humidicrib because he could barely breathe. The nightshift nurses (he was born at 1.30am) gave me such scant information regarding his ailment that I was greatly distressed. The following morning, however, another nurse explained to me that my son’s lungs had filled with fluid during the caesarean operation, a normal occurrence, and that his lungs would drain naturally, within three days. My fears abated and relief flooded through me, and sure enough, fifteen hours later his lungs had cleared and he was united with my wife and me.
It is my heart felt desire that all may know not only depression’s symptoms so that they can recognise it in themselves or others, but also know how to recover from it. Satan uses our lack of knowledge to attack us. Recall the warning Peter gave us in 1 Peter 5:8 ‘Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.’ Take special note that Peter says he prowls around like a roaring lion. Satan excels at deceit and deception.
When I learned in late July 1990 a much more detailed description of what was wrong with me, how I came to be in such a state, and how to recover, I no longer considered myself a freak. Instead, I was comforted by the knowledge that I was suffering from a common affliction. Knowledge replaced ignorance, understanding chased away despair, and hope returned.
The same Holy Spirit who anointed Jesus lives in us! Isaiah 11:2-4 ‘the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD.’
Download a pdf booklet of this blog's articles
(All verses from NIV)
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
They Could Have Been the Worst Four Years of My Life
The years of 2003 to 2006 could have been the worst four years of my life. My health was literally disintegrating before my eyes.
Although I had been gradually going deaf since my late teens, in 2004, my thirty-eighth year, I lost all hearing in my left ear. This crippled me. I had to leave the church band, could not engage in social dialogue, stopped listening to music (one of my greatest pastimes), could not hear the television, and almost drove my family crazy asking them to constantly repeat themselves. Otosclerosis, an inherited disease that causes the calcification of the bones of the middle ear, was the cause of this ailment. Yet of equal concern to me was the accompanying tinnitus. Although both ears suffered from it, my deaf ear produced a cacophony of continuous, ‘deafening’ sounds, including roaring, thundering, grating, and an extremely deep humming that was extremely unsettling.
Not long before losing my hearing in one ear, I was diagnosed as suffering from complex partial epilepsy, confirmed by undergoing MRI and EEG scans. Prior to this, I had never heard of this condition, thinking the partial-seizures to be a symptom of depression. At this time I ceased taking anti-depressants and took anti-seizure medication, which had (and still has) quite horrid side effects. I lost interest in almost all of my hobbies, entered a continual state of exhaustion, and both short term and long term memory deteriorated significantly.
During these years a recurring injury received from my childhood worsened to the point that I was frequently afflicted by agonising, throbbing pain for ten hours a day, for up to three months at a time. (An operation in 2006 healed this injury.)
It was a Sunday morning in November 2004, when I had come down with the flu for the sixth time in a row, (which may have had something to do with burning the candle at both ends recently…) that I reached a crossroads. With the deafness, epilepsy, injury and apparent inability to return to any semblance of health, I felt the crushing weight of despair threatening to descend upon me. This was the last straw.
I had a choice. My life appeared to be in a state of utter disarray. I could succumb to despair and slip into the miry pit of depression, or I could turn to Jesus and rely upon His strength in my weakness, as He said to Paul in 2 Cor 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I chose the second option. While I drove down Canterbury Road that November summer morning, I waited upon Jesus and recalled something I had heard in a sermon. My life was like riding in a bus, and the bus driver was Jesus. I was comforted by the fact that the bus driver always knew the destination and how to get there. This was my situation in a nutshell. Although my life appeared to be a complete mess and out of control, this was not the truth. The truth was that Jesus was in control of my life. I had nothing to fear. Jesus said in John 10:27-28, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.”
So rather than let these burdensome troubles drive me to depression, I surrendered them to Jesus and placed my trust in Him. The pressures faded away and hope, joy, and peace prevailed.
May I ask you, the reader, a question here?
Considering the breadth of my troubles at this time, does it seem too easy?
I know the Bible says in James 1:2 to ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,’ but trust me, although I reach this place eventually, this is not my initial reaction to trials!
Perhaps you are wondering why it did not take me days, weeks or months to learn to cope with these trials. How could I, after going through so much, ‘seem’ to shrug off their debilitating affects and yet live a normal life?
The only reason these afflictions did not drag me headlong into depression’s merciless grip was because I had already been down that road, back in 1990. It began with an eight-month period of living hell which included an endless cycle of debilitating anxiety attacks, chronic insomnia, crippling feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, utter despair at what was happening to me, and much more. As the days turned to weeks and then to months, I was crippled by the fear that this ‘thing’ that had overcome me would never lessen or end.
Here is an extract from my diary dated February 20th, 1990. (At this time, I had no idea what was wrong with me.)
Oh Lord, when will this end?
Day after day, I remain trapped
In this endless personal hell of pain and confusion.
I want to get out of myself!
To be someone else, anyone but me.
The me I know is gone, yet somehow I am still me.
I must escape from myself, but
I'm trapped in a suffocatingly small, dark room.
I know there is sunlight outside.
I run, push, and strive to reach that light,
But the room comes with me--I cannot get out!
Why? Because I am the room.
Jesus, for what reason have you allowed this?
Where are you? How long will you remain silent?
They say that others who have been down this route
Have left signposts along the way
To help those like me find the way out.
But where are these signposts?
By His grace and provision, Jesus helped me overcome depression and live a normal life again. And in learning how to cope with depression, Jesus set me free so that I need never again succumb to its depths. Galatians 5:1 ‘It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.’ In conclusion, it was because of what I learnt during my trials of the early 1990s, that I was able to endure the trials of 2003 to 2006 and through Christ, overcome them.
The purpose of this blog is to encourage all (myself included!) undergoing trials and tribulations to establish Jesus Christ as the cornerstone, or foundation upon which to build our lives, and through His strength, endure and overcome those trials in order to live life to the full. John 10:10 Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
Download a pdf booklet of this blog's articles
(All verses from NIV)
Although I had been gradually going deaf since my late teens, in 2004, my thirty-eighth year, I lost all hearing in my left ear. This crippled me. I had to leave the church band, could not engage in social dialogue, stopped listening to music (one of my greatest pastimes), could not hear the television, and almost drove my family crazy asking them to constantly repeat themselves. Otosclerosis, an inherited disease that causes the calcification of the bones of the middle ear, was the cause of this ailment. Yet of equal concern to me was the accompanying tinnitus. Although both ears suffered from it, my deaf ear produced a cacophony of continuous, ‘deafening’ sounds, including roaring, thundering, grating, and an extremely deep humming that was extremely unsettling.
Not long before losing my hearing in one ear, I was diagnosed as suffering from complex partial epilepsy, confirmed by undergoing MRI and EEG scans. Prior to this, I had never heard of this condition, thinking the partial-seizures to be a symptom of depression. At this time I ceased taking anti-depressants and took anti-seizure medication, which had (and still has) quite horrid side effects. I lost interest in almost all of my hobbies, entered a continual state of exhaustion, and both short term and long term memory deteriorated significantly.
During these years a recurring injury received from my childhood worsened to the point that I was frequently afflicted by agonising, throbbing pain for ten hours a day, for up to three months at a time. (An operation in 2006 healed this injury.)
It was a Sunday morning in November 2004, when I had come down with the flu for the sixth time in a row, (which may have had something to do with burning the candle at both ends recently…) that I reached a crossroads. With the deafness, epilepsy, injury and apparent inability to return to any semblance of health, I felt the crushing weight of despair threatening to descend upon me. This was the last straw.
I had a choice. My life appeared to be in a state of utter disarray. I could succumb to despair and slip into the miry pit of depression, or I could turn to Jesus and rely upon His strength in my weakness, as He said to Paul in 2 Cor 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I chose the second option. While I drove down Canterbury Road that November summer morning, I waited upon Jesus and recalled something I had heard in a sermon. My life was like riding in a bus, and the bus driver was Jesus. I was comforted by the fact that the bus driver always knew the destination and how to get there. This was my situation in a nutshell. Although my life appeared to be a complete mess and out of control, this was not the truth. The truth was that Jesus was in control of my life. I had nothing to fear. Jesus said in John 10:27-28, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.”
So rather than let these burdensome troubles drive me to depression, I surrendered them to Jesus and placed my trust in Him. The pressures faded away and hope, joy, and peace prevailed.
May I ask you, the reader, a question here?
Considering the breadth of my troubles at this time, does it seem too easy?
I know the Bible says in James 1:2 to ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,’ but trust me, although I reach this place eventually, this is not my initial reaction to trials!
Perhaps you are wondering why it did not take me days, weeks or months to learn to cope with these trials. How could I, after going through so much, ‘seem’ to shrug off their debilitating affects and yet live a normal life?
The only reason these afflictions did not drag me headlong into depression’s merciless grip was because I had already been down that road, back in 1990. It began with an eight-month period of living hell which included an endless cycle of debilitating anxiety attacks, chronic insomnia, crippling feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, utter despair at what was happening to me, and much more. As the days turned to weeks and then to months, I was crippled by the fear that this ‘thing’ that had overcome me would never lessen or end.
Here is an extract from my diary dated February 20th, 1990. (At this time, I had no idea what was wrong with me.)
Oh Lord, when will this end?
Day after day, I remain trapped
In this endless personal hell of pain and confusion.
I want to get out of myself!
To be someone else, anyone but me.
The me I know is gone, yet somehow I am still me.
I must escape from myself, but
I'm trapped in a suffocatingly small, dark room.
I know there is sunlight outside.
I run, push, and strive to reach that light,
But the room comes with me--I cannot get out!
Why? Because I am the room.
Jesus, for what reason have you allowed this?
Where are you? How long will you remain silent?
They say that others who have been down this route
Have left signposts along the way
To help those like me find the way out.
But where are these signposts?
By His grace and provision, Jesus helped me overcome depression and live a normal life again. And in learning how to cope with depression, Jesus set me free so that I need never again succumb to its depths. Galatians 5:1 ‘It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.’ In conclusion, it was because of what I learnt during my trials of the early 1990s, that I was able to endure the trials of 2003 to 2006 and through Christ, overcome them.
The purpose of this blog is to encourage all (myself included!) undergoing trials and tribulations to establish Jesus Christ as the cornerstone, or foundation upon which to build our lives, and through His strength, endure and overcome those trials in order to live life to the full. John 10:10 Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
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