Invisible Handicap

Below is an entry from my diary back in 1990. I wrote this about six weeks after reading “Self Help for Your Nerves” by Dr Claire Weekes. Finally, months of confusion had been replaced by understanding: I finally knew what was wrong with me, and had loads of practical advice to help me recover. Hope for the future had re-entered my life, but the journey towards full recovery was not yet over.

15th Sept 1990 -
The Invisible Handicap

I have a handicap - but no one can see it.
I am not like someone who is crippled, whose handicap everyone can see.
I am not like my friend, who was born with his fingers deformed.
But like them, I do have a major handicap.
My nervous system is over-sensitive, and has been so all my life.
For the past nine months, it has developed a nervous habit,
Of over manufacturing fear related adrenalin,
Causing physical and emotional side effects.
But no one knows, no one can see it - only the couple of people I have told.
Sometimes I wish I had a visible handicap, and then people would know -
Know what I feel like and what I'm suffering from.

I have managed to pinpoint the main area of conflict,
That manages to cause so many problems in me.
The conflict lies between what I think I can do,
And what I really can do.
Because I have a capable and analytical mind,
Which can visualize me doing many things,
Yet only now I have finally learnt,
That my emotional system is mega-sensitive -
Over-sensitive, in fact.
It bruises and bleeds so easily, and affects me in so many ways.
I never realised that all "these" things that happen to me,
Have all been caused by this one thing.
I did not realise anything was wrong, and kept going.
The other problem is my lack of physical energy,
My mind never considers it when pondering what to do.


Do you, or have you had, an invisible handicap? (Does not have to be depression, there are many ‘invisible’ handicaps that can afflict us.) Please feel free to share your experiences in the comments box below this article.

Depression is a very real handicap that affects every aspect of our lives – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

While still in depression’s early days, when I had no hope and everything seemed blacker than I could endure, I had to see our family doctor since the doctor who had placed me on anti-depressants had gone to live in the country. I gave the doctor a summary of what I was going through and asked for a repeat prescription.

He gave me the prescription, but his attitude was very condescending. He pointed out that the family who had been to see him prior to my appointment had two mentally challenged children. He said that this family had real problems and then left the sentence hanging – his unspoken point was that there was comparatively nothing wrong with me.

The doctor apparently had little idea about the effect depression can have upon our lives.

The above diary entry also shows when I finally learnt the difference between what I thought I could do, and what I could do. Since that time, I have been careful to pace myself.

On a positive note, my nervous system did not remain over-sensitive or “mega-sensitive.” I still have a tendency to be anxious, but nothing like before. While recovering from depression I learnt to rely upon Christ and His strength, instead of fighting and fearing what I was going through. John 14:1 became the theme verse of my life. “Let not your heart be troubled, trust in God, trust also in Me.”

If you would like to see how I learnt to deal with and overcome anxiety and anxious thoughts, here are two of my earlier blog posts that deal with those issues.

Breaking the Fear Cycle

Dealing with Fearful Thoughts

Praise our loving Heavenly Father for giving us a High Priest who can sympathise with us and comfort us in such difficult times.

Hebrews 4:14-16 ‘Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.’

Download a pdf booklet of this blog's articles

(All verses from the NIV)